


Cold Water

by tieanoosearoundmymind



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Addiction, Graphic, Happy Ending, Homophobia, M/M, Trauma, mentioned gabilliam, mentioned petekey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-01-18 08:59:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 36
Words: 28,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12385017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tieanoosearoundmymind/pseuds/tieanoosearoundmymind
Summary: The world feels like it has been turned on high,High volume.High brightness.High pain.We go on about an hour later, the lights are to bright and the crowd is to loud. I am on autopilot, I wake up, I take pills, I either love, Brendon and hate myself or pretend I don’t love Brendon and hate myself anyway. Then I take some more pills and we go on, then when we get off stage it’s some more pills and I go to sleep. Then the cycle repeats. I take pills because feeling tired or apathetic is much better then feeling the amount of pain the comes with my daily life.There is mentions of addiction, abuse, sexism, and homophobia if that triggers you then please proceed with caution





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Everybody!! Here's a new fic that I hope you all like! This whole story will have mentions of homophobia, drug addiction, and general angst so if that triggers you then maybe you wanna read something else. Give me some feedback on this chapter and every chapter! I'll see you all in the next chapter!

_I don't love women. Love has to be reinvented, we know that. The only thing women can ultimately imagine is security. Once they get that, love, beauty, everything else goes out the window: all they have left is cold disdain, that's what marriages live on nowadays. Sometimes I see women who ought to be happy, with whom I could have found companionship, already swallowed up by brutes with as much feeling as an old log.  -Arthur Rimbaud_

\----------------------- 

There is no light in my hotel room except for the orange embers that dance at the end of my cigarette. The hotel lounge chair that I’m sitting on is scratchy and uncomfortable but it’s better then the hotel bed which holds something even worse. I shake my head dragging my thoughts away from the bed and I look back down at the white lined paper in my lap. I reach over to the desk that’s near me and I switch a light on. 

My shaking hand scribbles down a few words that later I will fight to decipher. For the words on this page are not the usual songs that I would write. This is no pop anthem about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. These words are spoken in metaphors and similes.  
Your hair is like the wind on the rooftops of studios, and your arms are like the home I wish I had.  
I cross it out. its too cheesy and besides lyrics like that are ones that I will never produce, I will fold the words up into a square and hide them in my pocket until I can hide them in a drawer. The drawer where I can hide my secrets away. The sheets on my bed rustle. I drop my pencil out of my hands and I take a long drag from my cigarette. My hands are shaking again. I know I promised him I wouldn’t smoke anymore. I said I’d stay away from it. It’s a horrible habit and a gross one too, plus I’m hooked on them. But I’m used to addiction, my family is full of it.  
“I know I make promises that you keep expecting me to keep but I’m a decorated emergency and somehow you still love me”  
I write it down.

The sheets rustle. My heart skips a beat. I would run if I could, just pack my bags get on the bus and not look at the contents of my bed for a few days as I wait for the shame to fall off. But I can’t do that. Because I promised I wouldn’t run, I said I was done running. I had said that, that was a promise I could keep. Now I’m doubting myself. 

The sun is just rising enough to pour into the hotel room. I look over and I see what it’s in my bed. Brendon. My heart melts a little at the way he looks when he’s sleeping. Then he rubs his eyes with his hands and he opens them. There he is staring at me with his giant brown eyes that melt my heart. I want nothing more then to fall into that bed with him. 

But I can’t. Because I am not gay. I am the son of an extremely catholic, conservative man. I was not gay. Brendon was just a friend. So what if I slept with him, it wasn’t a relationship thing, it wasn’t even that I was attracted to him, because I’m not. It was just adrenaline from the show that lead to the sex. Not a big deal. And so what if it happened a few times. 

My mind calms down and focuses in on him. My entire body breaks at the sight of him. My head goes into denial, and my legs and arms feel weak, but my heart. Just his gaze makes my heart contort itself into ways I never even knew it could go. My stomach does somersaults for him.

“You said you’d stop smoking.” He says.  
His voice is raspy but then it usually is in the morning.  
“Sorry.” I mutter taking the butt out of my mouth.  
He gets out of bed wrapping a blanket around his waist and he walks up to me and tips my chin up. My stomach and my heart are twisting together, and my brain is screaming. He presses his big pink lips against mine. I pull away and he sighs.  
“God damn it Ryan.” He says shaking his head.

He walks off into the bathroom and starts the shower. I want to go in there and kiss him, make up for the fact that I can’t let myself love him. But I don’t. I stay and I put the cigarette butt back in my mouth.

About 10 minutes later he comes out his pale skin is soaked and steam is rolling off of him from the hot water that seeps into his skin. I look away. He walks towards me and takes the butt out of my mouth and smashes it against an ash tray.  
I’m staring at the floor.

“Ryan.” He says slowly and delicately.  
He bends down to look at me.  
He knows, he met my dad once, he saw the crosses and the bibles, he heard my dad talk about how awful the young gays were. He knows how the self loathing has been hardwired into my brain. He knows everything…And I can’t stand it.

“Ryan please don’t do this again.” His voice breaks. I look at him shocked. Brendon doesn’t cry. He has shut off the water works in his brain. He had made sure of it. His father had told him once that emotions for the women, and for the weak. His dad and mine would probably get along. 

He clears his throat.  
“Ryan look at me please.”  
I keep my eyes on the ugly carpet.  
Brendon put his clothes on and walks out of the room, he slams the door so hard the wall shakes. As do I. I rise from the uncomfortable chair and walk to my suitcase and pull out another cigarette, I put it in my mouth and I light it. I blow out the smoke thats collected in my mouth and walk around the room throwing away trash and picking up clothes that had been thrown aside last night. I pack up my suitcase and lug it outside the room and down the stairs and into the lobby. 

Outside the hotel is Jon he’s talking with Spencer and when I walk out next to them they smile.  
“Hey.” Spencer says  
“Hi.” I say  
“Where’s Brendon.”  
I shrug.  
Then right on time he walks out  
“You guys ready.”  
“Yeah.” We all say  
My heart is twisting in painful ways, but my brain is steady and quiet.  
He looks at me his eyes staring right into my soul.  
My heart skips a beat.  
Then he walks away next to Spencer like nothing happened and we walk on the bus.  
Jon looks from me to him back to me.

We all enter the bus and I head back into the bunks, the rest of the band will stay and talk, they will watch tv and laugh. 

Spencer and Jon will come back and ask me to come hang with them, if Brendon and I weren’t fighting he would come in first and ask me to come out there with him, and I would. But since we are fighting I will not go out, I will stay in here and wish that Brendon was with me.

My head starts to hurt I open my suitcase and pull out a bottle of ibuprofen and take a few pills, I then open another bottle and take a few sleeping pills. I climb into my bunk and everything goes slightly foggy, then very foggy and then I’m asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Chapter 2! This chapter does talk about taking pills and drug addiction so proceed with caution as always but I hope you like it and let me know what you think! Read Away!

I’m awoken by Jon shaking me.  
“Ryan dude we’ve got a show come on get up.”  
I groan and sit up in my bunk, my head feels like it’s on fire. 

I nod showing Jon I’m awake. I then slide out of the small bunk and grab some clothes I’ll wear on stage. 

We walk into the venue and get pushed into a dressing room. I walk into the bathroom and get changed. It’s a button up shirt with a vest and jeans. Nothing much but the fans seem to like it. My head still hurts like hell. Luckily I have more ibuprofen, I take 2 and walk back out into the dressing room, it’s quiet. Brendon looks at me then looks away.

The opening act starts and I can hear the noise from our room and my brain is aching. Or maybe it’s my heart or my legs, I can’t tell anymore. 

The world feels like it has been turned on high, high volume, high brightness, high pain. 

We go on about an hour later, the lights are to bright and the crowd is to loud. 

I am on autopilot, I wake up, I take pills, I either love, Brendon and hate myself or pretend I don’t love Brendon and hate myself anyway. Then I take some more pills and we go on, then when we get off it’s some more pills and I go to sleep. Then the cycle repeats. I take pills because feeling tired or apathetic is much better then feeling the amount of pain the comes with my daily life.

The show ends the crowd screams we pretend like we’re done and then we do an encore. Then we are really done. We walk off and Spencer and Jon pat me on the back. I fake a smile and go back to the bus as soon as I can. I take 3 sleeping pills, I wanna sleep in tomorrow. I fall into bed and the haze swallows me in and I’m back asleep.  
\-----------  
I wake up to a splitting headache that I can feel all over my body, it's like the pain is radiating through all of my limbs. My finger tips are tingling. I get out of my bunk and as my feet hit the floor a wave of pain goes through me. I stagger over to my suitcase and grab more ibuprofen and pop a few pills, then I take a cigarette out and walk into the lounge of the bus. 

Brendon's there alone reading a book about Alexander Hamilton. He looks up and his brow furrows. 

"Ryan are you ok." 

I nod trying to ignore him. My body goes into panic mode, my dads voice is ringing in my head. 

He gets up and presses his hand against my forehead. I flinch at the touch and step back, I can't let him get close, I can't fall into bed again with him. 

"Ryan it's just me it's ok." 

"Brendon Jesus leave me alone I'm not you're boyfriend." 

Brendon recoils.

"I didn't say-" 

"Yeah well stop acting like it I'm not like you." 

My head hurts. 

"Ryan what's wrong with you." 

"Will you just shut up!" I yell 

He looks like he's a dog and I've just kicked him. Guilt washes over me. 

"Fuck you." 

There's so much bite in his words

I walk out of the bus and into a parking lot, roadies are in the venue right now setting up, Jon and Spencer are probably helping. They're all to nice to me, they let me sleep in let me fool around step all over them and they just smile and take it. They all know how fucked up I am. As long as I write the lyrics and play the guitar they don't care what I do. 

I light the cigarette that hangs from my mouth and blow the smoke out of my mouth. The ibuprofen that I took isn't kicking in and everything hurts. 

I look at the watch on my wrist and check the time. I have a few hours before we have to sound check. I drop the cigarette out of my mouth and stomp on it. 

I enter the bus again and grab my coat, Brendon ignores me and keeps his eyes glued on the book. There's tear stains on his cheeks. More guilt comes over me and along with it comes more pain. 

I need to take something, I need more pills, something stronger something better. 

I grab my wallet and walk off the bus, I'm trying to find the road, I don't know where I am, don't know what state I am in, nor the city. 

Finally the road makes it's self apparent I find a taxi and wave for it. I get in and drive to a pharmacy. I look around and try to find something that's better then ibuprofen, something stronger. 

I find a bottle of Vicodin. 

I haven't heard much about it but it says it will relieve pain. I walk up to the counter and a woman looks at me like I'm crazy. 

My hands shake as I rest them on the counter, leaning against the table.

"Sir this is extremely addictive I don't think you should-" 

I look up at the women behind the counter desperately. 

"Please just ring me up." 

She does, I grab the pills and throw cash on the counter. 

Another Taxi comes towards me and I drive back to the venue, I take a pill on the way there, it kicks in quickly and I feel ok as the haze falls over me. 

It'll be ok. 

I will be ok.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Welcome to chapter 3!!! I don't really have anything to say for this chapter. As usual there will be mentions of drug addiction in this chapter so please proceed with caution if that triggers you. Please leave a judo and comment to let me know how you feel or if you have any feedback for me! Thanks everyone and read away!!!

I walk off the stage adrenaline is pumping through every inch of my body. Sweat is rolling off of my body.

The crowd is still screaming begging for an encore that we won't give. We're all to worn out, Spencer has a cold so bad he can't breathe, Jon threw up at least 3 times today, Brendon has a fever of 102, and I'm addicted to painkillers and I'm living with chronic migraines. 

We're just all falling apart. 

We have about 2 more months of the U.S.A tour and then we'll take a few weeks off then go to Europe. 

Zach yells at us to get going so we do, we walk down the halls of the venue and the cold air burns on our skin as he walk out of the hot venue and to the bus. Brendon walks towards the bus and recoils lifting his hand to his head. 

"You ok man?" Spencer asks looking at Brendon 

"y-yeah man I-" he takes a step back. 

I stand up from the couch eyeing him nervously. 

"Brendon dude." Jon said 

"I- I'm f-fine." 

He falls back and suddenly I'm there catching him, the weight of his body presses against mine and I slowly get down on my knees. His head is in my lap and I'm shaking his shoulders yelling. He's not answering me. 

"Brendon, Brendon god Brendon what's wrong are you ok." I yell. 

Zach runs by our side and checks for a pulse. 

"is he alright Zach?" Jon says 

They're all panicked rushing around trying to wake him up. 

But I'm not. Everything is moving in slow motion, my heart is racing so hard I can feel it in my fingertips. 

The bus pulls over into a gas station parking lot, an ambulance is there waiting for us. Paramedics rush around. Everyone is yelling and running, but I am still, I can hear my breathing quicken as I look down at Brendon unconscious in my lap. What if he's dead. What if he's dying. I get pushed away from him and paramedics lift him into an ambulance. I walk back into the bunks and grab more Vicodin. I take 4. I'm desperate to calm down. But how can I do that when the man I love more then I have ever loved anyone, even myself, has passed out in my arms and is now being rushed to a hospital. 

Tranquility is not an option here. 

Only panic and chaos.  
\----------

My leg is bouncing up and down as fast as it possibly can as I bite my nails waiting for news from the doctor.  
The paramedics had taken him to the hospital and we followed, we were told to wait in the waiting room until a doctor came for us. 

It seems like we've been in the room for days waisting away as we wait for news that I have already assumed is bad. Finally the doctor comes out and we all stand up. I stuff my hands in my pocket so no one sees them shaking. 

"Brendon's body is extremely overworked, he collapsed because of exhaustion." 

"Is he ok though." I blurt 

Everyone looks at me.

"He needs to rest and recover so he should talk it easy for a few days, he can still preform but no jumping around or anything to energy consuming activity." 

We nodded

"He's asking for a Ryan." 

My eyes widen and everyone nods and looks at me expecting me to go. 

The doctor squints at me and tilts his head. 

"are you feeling ok sir your pupils look blown." 

"yeah I'm fine can you take me to his room please." 

My heart skips a beat and I look down trying to hide my pupils from the doctor. 

We walk into the room and the doctor exits closing the door behind himself. 

I walk over to Brendon and sit next to him taking his hand. 

"You scared me there for a minute." 

He smiles at me 

"Yeah I scared myself too." 

My heart has finally stopped racing and now everything is quiet. 

"I've missed you." He says quietly the words barely slipping out out of his mouth 

I nod not letting myself go there again. 

I may be an asshole but I won't drag him along. I know I can't love him, I know I won't let myself. 

"Ryan please." He says. He sounds desperate, like all he needs is me to say I need him. 

I do. 

I will always need him. 

But I refuse to be the baggage that the will carry for the rest of his life. 

"Fuck why can't you just-" his voice chokes 

"Why can't you just love me half as much as I love you." 

I look down 

"Brendon I can't be the person you want me to be." 

A little piece of me breaks off as the words come off my tongue, I'm chipping pieces of my heart away with every word. 

Letting him go feels like letting myself go. 

"You deserve someone who will be loud and proud with you," I choke back tears "someone who will hold your hand in public and love you fully." 

"I can't do that." 

There goes another piece 

"I don't want loud and proud." He says 

"I want you," he pauses and sits up moving closer to me "I want to wake up every morning and know that I will roll over in my bed and see you." 

He is reaching inside my chest and twisting my heart in ways that it was never intended to go. He is taking every piece of me that my father took apart and sewing it back together. I have never met anyone in my life who has taken the time to pick up all of the pieces of me that I have left to collet dust on the floor. In this moment I realize that if it means choosing him or my father that I want him. 

"Ryan I love you." 

I wait a few seconds letting the words sink in. 

"I love you too." 

I lean towards him and press my lips against his 

As he rests his hands on my cheek and waist I feel the last piece of my heart fall away. 

I am here in this hospital room kissing a man. 

If only my father could see me now.

The last piece falls away. 

No more baggage 

No more bullshit. 

Just us.


	4. Chapter 4

Brendon got out of the hospital a day later and Zach and I had practically had to carry him into the hotel and up to his room. We dropped him on the bed and he wiggled himself under the covers and groaned. 

"Hang in there bud." Zach said 

Zach left and I took my seat at the foot of the bed. I took hold of his feet from under the covers. 

"How do you feel." 

"I'd feel a lot better if you were lying next to me." he said 

I smile and climb on to the bed. 

I lie next to him and kiss his cheek.

He turns his head so our foreheads are almost touching, he has a fever and I can feel the heat radiating off of him. 

"I love you." I say 

The words slip out of my mouth and his eyes widen at me. 

It's the first time that I've said it to him without him saying it first. 

The weight of the words is new. It's all foreign to me, but I love it. 

"I love you too." he says 

I lean closer and press my lips against his. 

He pulls away quickly. 

"I don't wanna get you sick." 

"I don't care about getting sick." 

I lean forward and kiss him, this time he doesn't pull away he sinks into my touch and I sink into his. 

He presses our bodies together and my heart races. 

"Brendon." I say my breath hitching as he lets his hand trail down my spine. 

Then my phone rings. 

He jumps back startled. 

"Shh baby it's just my phone." 

He eases down and buries his head in his pillow. 

I take my phone out of my pocket and answer.

"Hello." I say 

"Hi I'm looking for a Mr. George Ross?" 

"Wha- Oh yeah thats me I go by Ryan." 

"oh well Mr. Ross I'm calling about your father." 

"whats wrong." 

"I'm afraid he's gone into critical condition his liver is failing and we can't get him a transplant because he continues to drink, so he's going to die." 

"I was just calling to see if you would consider getting your blood tested and seeing if you could give him part of your liver." 

"What I can't no I I have to go." 

I hang up the phone and put it on the table thats next to me. 

My father is dying. 

and if I don't give him my liver and if I let him die. 

Doesn't that make me a murderer?

"Ryan babe are you ok." 

"Yeah baby I just." 

Everything is spinning, I need my pills. I need them now, my head is burning and everything hurts. My entire body is throbbing.

"baby I have to go I need to-" 

"I just have to go." 

I grab my phone and my jacket and run out of his room.

I race down the hall looking at all the numbers trying to find mine. 

322

I walk in and run to my suitcase. I find the Vicodin and take 6. 

I wait for them to sink in but my mind is still racing the pain has died down but my mind is still thinking to much. 

I take 3 more. 

Then I pop a sleeping pill and go to sleep. 

I don't want to wake up anytime soon.


	5. Chapter 5

I wake up a few days later in bed with Brendon, his fever was persistent but has finally died down. When the show ended last night we went back to his room, we had intended to spend the entire night in bed together, our bodies pressed together. But we ended up lying down and falling asleep to an old 80's movie. 

I open my eyes and see Brendon's face lying on my chest. 

My heart melts a little, his whole body is calm and his expression soft. All of his walls have been put down and he's just here, peaceful and beautiful. 

I press my lips against the top of his head and let my hand rest on his back. 

He rubs his eyes and presses his lips against my chest. 

"good morning." He says. 

"good morning." 

He sits up and puts his head on my shoulder. 

I kiss him and my fingers tangle in his hair. 

He hums contently. 

He straddles me and rests his hands on my hips, our lips are still connected. 

"mm baby." I groan 

He pulls away and puts his hands in my hair. 

"You're so fucking pretty." he says 

"Thank you." I say 

Brendon kisses me again quickly. 

"baby a few days ago you got a phone call and afterwards you seemed pretty spooked, are you ok?" 

My face went pale. 

"Yeah love it was just the hospital about my dad just a um just an update." 

"Oh," He says "well how is he." 

My heart starts beating quicker and I feel my throat swell. 

"He, He's-" My voice breaks and cracks. 

"Ryan lover baby are you ok." 

A tear drips down my cheek. 

"He's gonna die if I don't give him my liver." 

Brendon wipes away my tears with his thumb. 

"Ryan baby you don't have to do that for him." 

"I can't let my father die." 

"Ryan he beat you." Brendon said 

My hand went to my ribs. I still remember the noise that I heard when they snapped. 

I had come home once after a show and he had seen me with make up on, and a giant hickey on my neck that Brendon had given me. 

I used to be very loud about who I was and then my father found me with that hickey.

He had punched me so many times before he went to the kicking. He didn't stop until my ribs snapped. 

Then he left me on the floor screaming in pain, I was begging him to call an ambulance. He didn't. So i called Brendon and he had shown up with Jon, Spencer, and Zach they had driven me to the hospital. I will never forget Brendon's face when he found me on the floor. 

bleeding 

screaming

crying. 

Brendon put his hand over the one that rested on my ribs. 

"I won't let him hurt you baby." 

My breath hitches and my heart races. 

"Ryan baby I promise

"I know baby." 

"I'm just gonna go and see him," Brendon looks at me disapproving "When we get to Las Vegas tomorrow I'll go and just see how he's doing."

"I wanna go with you." 

I look at him shaking my head and my eyes the size of planets.

"Brendon no." 

"Ryan I'll wait in the waiting room I just want to make sure I'm there if you get hurt." 

I nod 

"ok fine but you can't see him." 

"I don't want to see him." Brendon spat 

There was a knock on the door and he got out of our bed, and walked across the floor to the door. 

I get up and walk behind him and wrap my arms around his waist. 

I look up and see my father. 

My hand wraps around Brendon's arm and I pull him behind me. 

"What're you doing here." I say 

I'm trying desperately to hide the fear thats in my voice and that's coursing through my body 

"I'm here because I need a liver Ryan." 

My heart is racing faster then It ever has, my ribs are aching and my head is along with it. 

"I- I know dad I've been thinking about it I was gonna be in Las Vegas tomorrow I was gonna come and see you." 

"You've been thinking about it?" He spits 

"No dad that's not what I meant dad." 

He presses his hand against my chest and pushes me back until I'm up against a wall. 

His hand raises.

"Get the hell away from him." 

Brendon takes my fathers shoulder and pushes him away from me. 

"Stay out of this you faggot." 

Then Zach comes in and pins my father against the wall. 

I'm sat against the wall my knees are pressed at my chin. My eyes are closed and I'm shaking. Tears are falling down my cheeks. Brendon rushes next to me and takes my hand. 

"Ryan." 

My entire world is spinning again and my whole body hurts all over. 

Zach takes my father away. 

I'm looking at Brendon, panic is coursing through my entire body. 

Brendon pulls me toward him and hugs him.

"Ryan it's ok he's gone now." 

I'm panicking my entire body is in panic mode, I feel like someone has wrapped their hands around my neck and they are not letting go. 

Zach comes back and finds me sobbing in Brendon's lap. 

"Ryan he's gone it's ok." 

I'm clutching on to Brendon's arm as the hyperventilating starts. I feel like I'm back there again, in his house bleeding on the floor. 

Brendon holds me and rocks us back and forth. 

"It's ok Ryan You're ok." He soothes

Spencer and Jon show up and they all sit staring at me looking so sorry. 

"You're ok." 

I'm terrified. 

Absolutely terrified.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey frendo's!! Hope you enjoy this chapter! This is mostly just a filler chapter before I start a new part of the story. There will be drug usage and talk about abuse in this chapter.

I'm sitting outside our hotel smoking. My hands are shaking as I hold the cigarette in-between my fingers. It's been a few days since my breakdown and I'm fixed on pretending it didn't happen. Spencer keeps giving me these looks, he looks at me like he pity's me. He probably should. We grew up together, he saw me come to school with a cast on my foot claiming that I fell down the stairs. Jon looks at me like I'm about to break. He's always got one eye on me, And Brendon. Brendon is all of the above. He's sorry for me, but he's also clinging onto me like I;m about to die. 

But who knows. I could drop anytime I want. 

Brendon walks out of the hotel and sits next to me. 

"Hey." he says 

"Hi." 

He takes the cigarette out of my hand and takes drag. 

"Hypocrite." I say 

He rolls his eyes and gives me it back. 

I take a long drag, and watch the smoke in my mouth spill out as I blow. 

Brendon takes my hand and I flinch, my hand shoots away from his. I can't help it, it's habit. I've done it my entire life. Every time my father hit me the next week or so I wouldn't let anyone touch me. I remember once in the 4th grade my teacher put her hand on my shoulder as she helped me with a math problem and I accidentally hit her in the face pulling away. 

"Hey it's ok." He says 

"I know." I say 

My hands shaking again. This time I'm smart and I leave it in my lap. 

"Ryan please talk to me." 

I let out a shaky breath. I will not cry. I will not break down again. 

"Brendon I'm fine I've been dealing with this for my entire life." 

He nods. 

"That doesn't mean you have to be ok." 

I scoff 

"I am though. I'm fucking fine," I yell "hell I'm fucking lucky, he didn't break any of my bones, he didn't even get a punch in, I'm fucking great." I'm yelling at him. 

Spencer is standing by the door with Jon and there looking at me.

I look at them and shake my head. 

"I'm fine." 

I walk towards are bus and get on. I take the Vicodin out of the bag and crush it with a book. I snuff up the white dust and I go to sleep. 

Because I'm totally fine.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!!!

I'm back again. Back on autopilot, back to needing to take Vicodin even hour. I'm back. And I don't want to be. It's been a week or so since my father came to visit. I've decided I won't be giving him my liver. I'm lying in my bunk with the lights out. I just snorted a whole pile of Vicodin and now I'm just riding out the high for as long as I can. 

Brendon walks by with Spencer. There laughing about something, I smile. Brendon has the most perfect laugh in the world. I've distanced myself from him. I promised myself I wouldn't be the baggage he had to take around with him, so I won't be. I'll be somebody that drifts in and out of his mind while he's falling asleep. I will be a pleasant memory of young love while he lies next to someone who will love him more then I allow myself to. I roll over. The high has ended.   
\--------  
I get up out of bed late around 6. I was taking a nap. I walk out into the lounge where the rest of the band is sitting quietly. Jon is tuning a guitar, Spencer is watching a movie, and Brendon is reading a book. 

"morning sunshine." Jon teases. I smirk. 

"Morning Jon." 

Brendon looks up from his book, his eyes graze over me. I look at him and my heart drops into my stomach. 

He always finds a way to get to me. His brown eyes are the size of the moon and they're staring at me, burning guilt into my skin. 

I sit next to him and tilt his book so I can read what it is. 

To Kill a Mockingbird. 

"A classic." I say 

He smiles 

"indeed." 

I'm so close to him, reading over his shoulder. 

"This is my favorite part." 

He laughs 

"Your favorite part is when the nice ladies house burns down." 

"Yes!" I exclaim

"it's such an important part in the book!" 

Brendon giggles. 

"You are a very unique man Ryan Ross." 

"well thank you." 

"Your welcome." 

He looks up at me and our eyes lock. I want nothing more then to lean down and press our lips together. I want nothing more than that.

Jon strums a augmented chord and we are sucked out of our daydreams.

"Oh my god stop that right now." Brendon says covering his ears. 

Jon smiles and puts his guitar down. 

"Im gonna go catch up on my sleep before we get on a flight tomorrow." 

We've got a 5 Am flight tomorrow. It's going to be hell.

"Ok." 

Spencer yawns and turns off the TV. 

"Same." 

We are left alone in the lounge. Brendon continues reading and I read with him, looking over his shoulder. He keeps his lips parted when he reads and his mouth moves like he's reading the book with his lips. He turns so his back is to me, I wrap my arms around his waist and continue reading. 

I nudge his neck with my nose and breathe him in. He smells like deodorant, sweat, with a hint of cigarette smoke that he probably picked up from me. 

I love that. Knowing that I am apart of him in some way. 

He closes his book and leans his head back on my shoulder. His neck is exposed and there for me to leave as many bruises as I would like on. But I don't. Because I promised myself I wouldn't destroy him. He's to special to ruin. And me? I ruin everything. 

He sighs. 

"I can't wait to go home." 

Brendon and I would be flying to New York tomorrow while Jon and Spencer would go to Las Vegas. Brendon and I had moved to New York as soon as we had the money to do so. We had nothing for us in Las Vegas, only family that was disappointed by our life choices. We would have a few weeks at home and then we go to Europe. 

"What are you gonna do when you get home." 

"see my dog." 

Brendon laughs. 

"You mean Keltie's dog." 

I laugh.

"yeah." 

Keltie is my ex girlfriend we broke up a while ago. I wasn't devoted enough to her. Probably because I was to busy wishing I was with Brendon.

"what about you." I ask

He smiles.

"Take a long shower." 

I laugh. 

"Yeah that sounds nice." 

"And then I'm going to put wood in my fireplace and sit in front of a fire."

"Whats a fireplace like." I ask

Brendon whips his head around and stares at me

"You've never sat in front of a fire on Christmas or something before." 

I shook my head.

"Well then looks like I'll be having you over my place as soon as we get home." 

"I would like that."


	8. Chapter 8

I feel a hand shaking me the next morning. 

“Ryan get up.” 

I groan and open my eyes. I find Jon Walker standing above me. 

I get off the couch and see everyone packing up their suitcases. I smile. We’re finally going home. 

Zach throws my suitcase at me and tells me to “Get my shit together.” 

Brendon smiles and helps me. 

“Good morning.” He says 

“Morning.” I say smiling at him. 

“You ready to get home.” 

“Yes.” 

The bus drops us off at the airport and Brendon and I hug Jon and Spencer goodbye. 

Brendon and I walk towards the loading deck and I see Brendon’s hands shaking as he hands his ticket to the flight attendant. We take our seats and I grab his hand. 

“Hey you’re ok.” I say 

As we take off the plane gets louder. 

Brendon puts his head on my shoulder and squeezes my hand. 

“You’re ok.” I whisper 

I hate seeing him like this. Scared out of his mind because of his anxiety and there’s nothing I can do about it. 

Once we finally take off and the turbulence has stopped he calms down. He falls asleep on my shoulder. I smile at him and put on headphones and watch a movie.   
————————————

The place lands a few hours later and Brendon and I walk out of the airport. 

“Well I guess this is where we say goodbye.” I say 

“Not necessarily.” He says 

He quickly licks his lips and bites down on his lower lip. 

“Don’t you wanna drive me home like a gentleman.” 

I smile.

“Brendon.”

“Please.” He pouts sticking out his lower lip. 

I smile.

“I need to get home and see my dog.” 

Brendon smiles. 

“You and that damn dog.” 

I laugh. 

“I know it’s infuriating.” 

“It is indeed.” 

“I’ll call you ok.” I say 

He nods. 

“I wanna kiss you.” 

My heart aches 

“You have no idea.” 

“I love you Ryan Ross.” 

“I love you too.” 

We hug each other goodbye and we drive from the airport in separate cabs. 

“Where to?” Asks the driver 

Home. 

I’m going home.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very exciting things in this chapter!!!!!! Read away.....

I step into my apartment and I smile bigger then I ever have as Hobo runs up to me. She’s jumping on me. 

“Hey Hobo Hey girl.” I say getting down on my knees to pet her. 

I close the door to my apartment and I find Keltie sitting on my couch.“Keltie what are you doing here.”

“I heard that you were finally gonna be home, I figured you’d wanna see the dog.”

“Yeah thanks.” 

“No problem.” 

“Do you want some water or something.” 

“No No I’m just here to drop off the dog and go I have a date.” 

“Ok.” 

Keltie grabs her purse and digs around in it.

“Goddamn it!” She squeaks

“What.” I Ask

“Some asshole stole my wallet I needed cab money.”

I open up my suitcase and dig around for my wallet.

“Ryan no I couldn’t ask you to do that for me.” 

“It’s the least I can do.” 

I set my suitcase on the floor and dig around in it, she gets down and helps. 

She picks up an orange bottle and looks at the label. 

“Ryan what is this.” 

She stands up and stares at the bottle and then at me.

“What oh thats nothing just.” I reach for the bottle but she dodges me. 

“You’ve been taking Vicodin!” She yells 

“Do you know how addictive these are you could kill yourself.” 

“I’m fine Keltie It’s nothing.” 

“How long have you been taking these.” 

“Keltie it’s not that big a deal.” 

“Answer me Ryan Ross.” She screams 

“I don’t know a few months or something.” I say trying to get the bottle from her. 

“A FEW MONTHS!!” 

She takes out her phone and runs into my bathroom.

“What are you doing Keltie no.” 

She dumps the pills down the toilet.

“Keltie what the fuck.” 

“Dont you dare get cross with me get your ass into the living room.” 

Keltie may be small and look cute on the outside but she can be terrifying. 

I sit down on my couch with my head in my hands before my apartment door swings open and he’s there. Standing in my door looking terrified.

“Ryan oh my god Keltie texted me said it was an emergency.”  
“It’s not she’s being-“ 

“Shut your mouth Ross.” 

She hands Brendon the bottle

“He says he’s been taking them for a few months.”

Brendon looks at the bottle and when he looks up at me there’s tears welling up in his eyes.

“Ryan you- I fuck,” He says 

He closes his eyes and when he opens them he doesn’t look like he’s about to cry anymore. 

“Why.” 

“I don’t know I just- “

“Don’t give me that bullshit Ryan.” 

I put my head in my hands and tears fall down my cheeks. 

“Because It hurts.” 

“What hurts.” 

“Everything god I just I hurt.” 

“And it doesn’t hurt if I’m high.” 

Keltie wipes a tear off her cheek.

“Ryan I knew that you had bad days but.” 

“Don’t stress it Keltie no one knew.” 

Brendon looks hurt.

“Ryan there are better ways.” 

“Not when your on tour.” 

“We can cancel a tour Ryan Ross we can make another tour we can’t make another you.” 

Hobo puts her snout on my leg and looks up at me with her big eyes. 

I scratch behind her ears.

“God Ryan what if you OD’d what if I had found you-“ Brendon cuts himself off and wipes tears off his cheeks. 

“I can’t lose you.” He says 

I sit there a million thoughts running through my head. It’s going to fast everything is speeding through me like cars on the highway.

Brendon sits down next to me and takes my hand. 

“Look at me.” 

I don’t, I can’t. 

“Hey.” 

He puts his hand on my cheek turns my head. 

“Look at me.” 

I look at him and he’s there, staring at me. 

“You’re gonna be ok.” He says 

“You can’t promise me that.” 

“Ryan you are going to be ok,” He says “Maybe not today or tomorrow but you will be ok.” 

Keltie has left leaving me and Brendon here in my apartment with the dog.

“Why don’t we go to my place and I can show you that fireplace.” 

I look at him and I nod. 

“We can bring the dog.” 

He takes my hand and we walk into my room, I pack a bag and grab my coat. 

“Hobo you wanna go for a walk.” Brendon says holding her leash. 

She jumps up and down happily. 

I smile and take the leash from him. 

We walk down the street together Hobo pulling on the leash. 

Brendon takes my hand and we walk. 

“I’m sorry.” I let the words that have been resting on my mind finally slip. 

He looks at me. 

“I know baby.”

We walk into his apartment. The warm air wraps around me, I shrug my coat off and Brendon takes it 

“Home sweet home.” 

His apartment is beautiful. You walk into the apartment and theres a living room with a stone fireplace, to the left is a kitchen to the right is a music room then next to that is a bedroom, there’s a bathroom across from the bedroom. 

“It’s nice.” 

Brendon smiles

“I think so.” 

I put my bag down and Brendon pulls out a dog toy. 

“Hobo!” 

He throws the ball and she goes racing after it. 

I sit down next to him and put my head on his shoulder. 

He kisses my head and put his hand in my hair. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

Hobo lies down on my lap. I run my hand through her soft fur. 

“She’s such a good girl.” Brendon says scratching her back 

“Yeah she’s a good dog.” 

Brendon lies the fireplace and we sit there watching our favorite bad 80’s movie. 

I’m sitting there dying of laughter and Brendon’s laughing with me. 

The movie ends and Brendon turns off the tv. 

I’m still dying of laughter.

The fire has died.

Hobo is lying in the corner sleeping. 

“You wanna go to bed.” 

“Yes.” 

We walk into his bathroom and brush our teeth.

Hobo followed us into his room and jumped on to his bed. 

“Hey cutie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I really love hearing feedback and reactions from you guys so please leave a comment for me!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!! New chapter I don't really have much to say for this chapter, just that I hope you enjoy it! Read away...

I wake up in his bed. 

The light from outside is pouring in and I scoff, realizing how different we really are. 

I sleep with all of my blinds and windows closed. 

No light goes in, no darkness comes out. 

I get up from the bed and walk into his bathroom. I feel oddly uncomfortable walking through. My brain is constantly reminding me of the fact that the floors I step on are not mine, the towel that I take is not mine, and the water that comes from the shower head is not mine. 

None of this could ever be mine. He could never really be mine. 

How could he? He lives with his blinds open. I live with my blinds shut. 

I sigh and run my fingers through my curly hair, it's getting long and I know I should cut it. But I'm far to lazy to actually go out and get it taken care of. 

I can't even remember the last time I showered. Touring does not allow any time for luxuries such as personal hygiene. It however does allow time for you to completely fuck yourself up. 

Funny how those things work. 

The scalding hot water flows through every inch of my skin, steam fills up his small bathroom and I breathe it in. It's nice to be breathing in something so clean instead of cigarette smoke, or the scent of thousands of people trapped in a venue sweating it out.

Jon says he doesn't mind the smell, he claims that it's just part of the high for him. I find that I like getting high off of other things. I have realized that I'm not like other musicians, I'm not chasing the high every night on stage, or fucking desperate fans in back alleys. We aren't like that. I'm not like that. I don't want to take advantage of a girl after a show, hell I don't even wanna get high with the punk rock groups that smoke to much weed and get stupid tattoos. 

See I don't want to be a drug addict, I don't want to take my pills. I would just much rather not feel anything then feel the splitting migraines, or the crippling anxiety. I would much rather live my life in a fog then deal with myself. It's funny, every time a bad review of an album or something comes out the rest of the band gets so down. 

Me on the other hand, it doesn't get to me. 

I guess when you've spent your entire life hating yourself, or hearing that your father hates you too, it's refreshing to hear it from somebody you don't even know. 

Just someone with an empty face and a name thats suppose to mean something to me. 

It doesn't. 

I turn the water off and wrap a towel around my waist. I instinctively run my finger over the scar on my ribcage. It's about 7 inches long and it runs from the middle of my torso to my side. They had to cut me open pretty far to fix it all. 

That day I permanently etched into my memory forever. 

I shudder and shake my head. I don't have any time to think about that night. 

I walk out of the bathroom and Brendon's sitting at his small table and he's drinking coffee. 

"Hey." I say 

He looks up at me and smiles. 

"Hey." 

Hobo is lying by the foot of his chair. 

"How'd you sleep." He asks

"fine." 

He smiles 

"Are you lying." 

I laugh.

"come on you know me I haven't gotten a goodnights sleep since I was 19." 

It's true, I haven't gotten a good nights sleep since my ribs snapped. I was told once that it was because I live in constant fear that someone is going to hurt me. That shrink obviously had no idea what she was talking about.

I'm totally fine. 

Brendon's eyes trail down to my scar. 

They always do, no matter what, whether it be during sex, or me getting out of the shower. He always looks. 

"It's not your fault." I say 

"What." 

"The scar." 

"Ryan if I hadn't given you that bruise-.' 

"It's not your fault Brendon." 

I walk away and get my clothes on. 

It wasn't his fault it was mine, I had known I was going to my dads that night, I had known what was gonna happen if he kept kissing me like that on my neck. I let it happen. I was stupid and It'll never happen again. 

I sigh and look out his window. 

He blames himself for it, but he doesn't let it consume him. 

He lives with his blinds open, I live with my blinds shut.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!!READ THIS BEFORE YOU READ THE CHAPTER!!!!!!!!
> 
> Ok so before I start talking I wanna say that there is a !BIG TRIGGER WARNING! for this chapter! It's gonna go into graphic depictions of abuse, there will be homophobic language in this, and mentions of suicidal thoughts. Also there are graphic depictions of the injuries so there are mentions of blood and some gory broken bones so please be aware if you are squeamish. This chapter takes place on the day that Ryan's ribs were broken so it's not taking place where we are in the story.  
> Read away....

I woke up to late that morning. It was a Saturday and I had slept in. I was awoken by a banging on my door. 

"Get your ass outta bed you lazy son of a bitch." 

My father was nasty when he was drunk. 

I looked over at my alarm clock and knew I was in for it. 

It was fucking noon. I was so screwed. 

"Coming I'm getting up now." 

I scrambled out of bed and pulled clothes on. I walked out of my room to find my father holding a glass of scotch in his hand.

"I oughta kick you into next week boy." 

"I know I'm sorry dad I slept in it won't happen again." 

"You bet you ass it won't." 

I walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and tried my best to tame my curly hair. 

"I oughta shave your head while your sleeping you look like a faggot with that hair." 

The words sting.

"I told you dad it's for show." 

"plus girls these days like longer hair." 

I'm pulling it straight out of my ass, I have no idea what girls like I'm more concerned with what Brendon likes. Which is pretty much anything. 

He makes a unsatisfied noise but at least my answer shut him up. 

"The house is a mess I want the place cleaned up before you go out and do anything." 

"yeah of course dad." 

He finishes the scotch in his glass and staggers down the stairs. 

"there ain't enough alcohol in this house." He spits 

I spend at least an hour or two picking up all the trash my father has littered the house with. 

Then I shower and I leave. I'm gonna go to Brendon's hang out with him. 

"Ryan wait." 

I stop in my tracks my pulse racing. 

My father walks up to me and hits me upside the head.

"Get up on time tomorrow or else you'll be in for a lot worse." 

I nod and run out of the house. Brendon only lives a street or two away from my house, so it's not to bad of a walk. 

I get there and he smiles his big perfect smile. 

"Hey gorgeous." 

I roll my eyes and follow him up the stairs and into his bedroom. 

He shuts the door and presses his lips against mine.

I smile and tangle my hands in his hair. 

I push him back and hold his shoulders.

"Brendon we can't not with your mom and dad brothers and sisters here." 

He groans and rolls his eyes. 

"so what we won't have sex then," He leans in closer "That doesn't mean I can't kiss you." 

Our lips are connected again and we fall over onto his bed. We spend what seems like forever there, together.  
\----------  
After an hour of heated making out, a movie, then some more making out I have a giant hickey on my neck. 

"it suits you." He says nipping at it gently.

I smile. 

"I think you'd look better with one." 

I'm sat down rubbing eyeliner on my face getting ready for a show. 

Jons gonna pick us up and we'll leave to go lay in front of whatever people decide to show up. 

Brendon and I pile into Jons car and say hi to Spencer and we leave to go to a bar thats a little outside of town. 

We get there and the place is packed. We played and it's the best show I have ever played in my entire life, we stay for a little while after and the bartender gives all of us drinks. 

We get tired and we leave. Jon drops me off at my house and I'm so happy I forget that I'm wearing makeup. 

And I forget about the hickey. 

I forget about the skin tight jeans. 

I walk in and my father is sitting at the table drinking. 

I walk in and he looks at me. 

He looks at me and I remember. 

I remember about the makeup, the hickey, the jeans. 

"What the fuck are you wearing boy." 

I'm shaking. 

"Nothing dad it's nothing just stuff for the show it's nothing." 

He turns my head and gets a good look at the hickey. 

"Where'd you get that." He says it quietly. 

"I-It's f-from a-a g-girl-'

"YOU THINK I WAS BORN YESTERDAY BOY." He screams 

"I'VE SEEN WHAT THE FAGGOT BOYS WEAR, I'VE SEEN WHAT THEY DO." 

He pushes me away and against the wall. 

"I MAY BE DRUNK SON BUT I AM NOT STUPID, AND LET ME TELL YOU NO CHILD OF MINE IS GONNA BE A FAGGOT." 

"SO obviously something needs to change." 

"I think you need to be taught a lesson Ryan." 

He throws his fist against me and my face burns. Another one, and another one. I fall down onto my knees and he's screaming 

"You think you can walk around this town sleeping with the boys like a slut, while having my name." 

"Stop please." 

blood is coming out of my nose

Another kick. 

"You think you can go around doing whatever you want wearing those jeans just asking for some creepy fag to go feel you up." 

"Dad please It hurts." 

My cheeks are burning and my eyes sting 

Another kick 

"You think if you don't hide that hickey you can show the world how proud you are to be yourself?" 

4 more and then a then snap. 

I scream so loud that the windows shake. 

"Let me tell you something boy." 

"You ain't got nothing to be proud of." 

My left eye is swollen shut, bloods falling on the floor from my nose, and my torso feels like someone stabbed me. 

My father walks away. 

I lie there sobbing on the floor shaking wincing for what seems like hours. 

I reach out and involuntarily let out this loud scream of pain as I reach for my phone. 

"You keep making noise Ryan and I will come in there and I will kill you." 

I don't doubt that. 

I call Spencer, he lives the closest.

"Spence." 

"Ryan are you ok?" 

"No-" I wince 

"I got beat up pretty bad I'm at my house I need you to come-" I groan as the pain gets sharper "Come get me and take me to the hospital."

"What holy shit Ryan are you-"

"Spencer please just come get me." 

I hang up the phone and stay on the floor praying that my father won't come back and beat me more. 

two excruciatingly long minutes later Spencer shows up. He opens the door and rushes over to me. 

"r-ryan oh my god." 

His eyes are the size of the moon and he starts to shake. 

I can only imagine how bad I look, I know my nose is broken, my left eye is swollen shut, my lips are swollen and cut, my cheek bones are cut and swollen, and there is blood leaking onto my shirt from where my rib has come out of my body. There is a pool of blood sweat and tears lying by my face. 

I try to speak, I try to make a joke but all that comes out is a groan and a spurt of blood. 

"I can't get you into my car alone I'm calling Brendon." 

I groan trying to say no, trying to spare Brendon. 

I can only imagine how fast Brendon ran to get to me, but when he showed up his face was bright red and he was panting so hard that he couldn't talk. 

His face when he saw me is something that I will never forget. He looked like he was going to scream, puke, and cry at the same time. 

My father walked out and his face was stone cold.

"Good get the fag to the hospital." 

He walks towards me and pointed at me.

"When you come back you will be scrubbing your blood off the floor, you understand me." 

"Yes." I whispered 

No one knew that my father was abusive. I didn't talk about it. Because my father wasn't abusive. The man that I knew and that I loved, he would've never laid a hand on me. But that man gave everything to my mother, and the minute she walked out that door, he went with her. And I was left with the man who had beaten me half dead. 

Spencer and Brendon carry me out. I scream as they try to keep a firm grip on me. Spencer picks up Jon on the way to the hospital. 

I'm lying in the backseat with my head on Brendon's lap. He's running his fingers through my hair, and crying 

"It's ok, you'll be ok." 

He looks like my mother. 

His eyes are soft and warm and his voice calms me down like hers used to. 

"B-Brendon." 

"Shh baby it's ok." 

"Am I gonna die." 

"No Ryan baby you're going to be ok." 

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. 

"You're gonna be fine." 

I'm looking up at him scared.

We pull into the hospital and they drag me in and go back to screaming. 

Doctors put me into a wheel chair and look at all of my injuries. 

"how did this happen to you." they ask

I don't answer it hurts to much. 

This all hurts to much. 

I miss my mother. 

I miss my father. 

I miss my childhood 

I want it all back. 

And if I can't get it back 

then maybe it'd be better if I died. 

Maybe it'd be better if I had the pain meds amped and just bled out.

"Please sir you have to tell us what happened." 

I close my eyes and decide that I have no intentions of waking up.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! new chapter! I'm writing this while listening to the entirety of pretty odd. So please excuse me while I sob my eyes out because Ryan Ross. The lyrics in this chapter are from Do you know what I'm seeing? By P!atd.   
> Read away....

I'm usually a good house guest. I usually clean up after myself and stay courteous. But when I start writing...

All bets are off. 

He comes back to his apartment and drops his keys on the counter and in front of him is me. 

I'm on his couch the floor and couch is covered in crumpled pieces of paper and guitars. I'm scribbling lyrics down on a notepad. Theres an acoustic guitar in my arms. 

"Ryan." 

I grunt showing that I acknowledge him. 

"babe what are you doing." 

He walks up behind me and looks at the lyrics I'm writing. 

"I know it's sad I never gave a damn about the weather, and it never gave a damn about me." 

"This is really good Ryan." 

I nod my head and write a few more things down. 

"I know it's mad but if I go to hell will you come with me or just leave." 

"Babe this is amazing." 

"No it's just crap it's not-" 

"Ryan." He says 

He presses his cheek against my head and kisses me. 

"It's really good."

"Thank you." I smile

He's the only person I know that can make me believe something good about myself. He reminds me of my mother. He always has. 

My mom left me and my dad when I was young. I was 12 when she left. She had gone to court for custody of me, but the judge decided that I should stay with my father. They never asked me what I wanted. 

I used to call my mom everyday after school but eventually she got remarried and had more kids. She got busy. I told myself that she would be a lot happier if she didn't have me as her baggage. 

I stopped calling. And I didn't pick up her calls. 

I miss her everyday. 

But I refused to be the baggage she carried around for the rest of her life. 

And I regret that decision every day of my life. 

The smile on my face runs away. 

"Whats wrong." Brendon asks 

I hate that he can read me so easy. 

"Nothing." 

I'm staring at the paper in my hands and I wonder if she knows. 

If she has heard A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. If she was at a show and I didn't see her. if she knows how much I love her. 

If she knows how when she left she broke both me and my father. 

I don't realize I'm crying until Brendon wipes a tear off my cheek. 

"Ryan what's wrong."

I laugh and wipe my face with the back of my hands

"I miss my mom." 

It's pathetic, and it's childish. 

I'm pathetic and I'm childish. 

He doesn't know what to do. I've made him uncomfortable. 

I know what happens when people become uncomfortable. They leave. 

"never mind I'm fine it's ok." 

I get up. 

"Wait Ryan no it's ok." 

"I'll pick this all up I'm sorry." I say gesturing at the piles of paper. 

The walls are coming up faster then I knew they could. I'm going into panic mode, can't let him in, I can't let him see. 

"Ryan babe its ok." 

I walk into his bedroom and close the door. 

This is not my room, this is not my house, this is not my place, this is not where I'm suppose to be. 

My hands start to shake and I'm sweating, panic is seeping into every inch of my skin. 

This is not where I'm suppose to be. 

I'm back in my house. I'm back on the floor begging him to stop, to stop. He doesn't stop 

I want my mother. I want her to love me, to keep me. 

To need me. 

I sit down in front of the bedroom door put my hands over my mouth, that way no matter how hard he tries Brendon will not hear the crying or the desperate gasps for breath. 

it still amazes me how missing someone hurts more then someone snapping 6 of your ribs. 

I after a few minutes stop crying and the panic has subsided. 

But underneath the anxiety is the apathy. The weight of everything. 

I bring my knees close to my chest and close my eyes. 

I'm going to sleep.

Maybe this time I won't wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I switched to pretty odd to the young veins. 
> 
> rip me


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing to say really. Read away...

I come out of room an hour or so later. The rooms cleaned up and the lyrics I was working on have been neatly put on the coffee table. He's sitting on his couch staring at the fire in his fireplace. 

He takes his eyes away from the fire to look at me. 

I expect him to start yelling and hitting. 

He doesn't. 

I sit next to him. 

"The night that my dad-" I don't wanna say it.

"That night when I got to the hospital, I wanted-" 

I'm preparing myself to see the look on his face. 

"I wanted to die." 

He looks surprised.

"And ever since that night-" I take a deep breath "I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was before that happened." 

"I won't be that kid again." A tear slips out of my eye. 

"and all I want is to go back." 

"And go back to place when we had no fear." 

"When I had no fear." 

He smiles. 

"I have good news for you." 

"what." I say I laugh. 

"You may not be able to go back but-" 

"You don't have to base your life on what your childhood was." 

"You can call your mother." 

"You can change your dads emergency contact make it so you never have to hear from him again." 

"You can't be that kid again because your not 19 anymore." 

"But you don't have to be the person you are right now. Not if you don't wanna." 

I blink and a tear falls down my cheek. 

It hits me. 

I never had to deal with the pain. I never needed the drugs. All I need is some change. And I plan on getting it. 

"thats very good news." 

He smiles at me. 

"I think so." 

I get up and my hands shake as I dial her number. 

it rings, and it rings. 

"Hello." 

She sounds exactly the same. I haven't talked to her since I was 13. Its been so many years and she still sounds exactly the same. 

"Mom." My voice breaks 

"Ryan oh my god Ryan is that you." 

"Yeah." 

She starts to cry

"I'm sorry mom I'm sorry I stopped calling, I stopped picking up I'm sorry, I love you." 

"I love you too baby." 

Her voice wraps around me. She sounds like home. 

"Ryan god MTV was on and I saw you and I'm so proud of you." 

"You've always been so talented I'm so proud." 

"Thanks." I say wiping more tears off my cheeks. 

"Mom I want to see you." 

"That's a great idea are you still with your father." 

"Um no I-i'm not there anymore." 

"dad got sick he's been in the hospital for about a year now, I moved when out when I was 20."

"Oh my god." 

"Well where are you now." 

"I live in New York city." 

"I'll fly out."

"Mom I couldn't ask you to-"

"Ryan your my son." 

I gave her the address and she said she'd call me again soon. 

I hung up and Brendon walks up to me.

He kisses me and I hug him. 

"Thank you." 

He smiles. 

"I didn't do anything." 

I roll my eyes and kiss him again.

"I love you." I say 

"I love you more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik its shocking we actually had a happy chapter


	14. Chapter 14

I'm generally a nervous person but I'm not a pacer. 

But now. 

Now I am fucking pacing. 

"Baby you need to calm down." 

I'm pacing. Hobo is following me with her eyes looking at me like I'm ridiculous. 

Even my dog thinks I'm overreacting. 

"I haven't seen my mother since I was 13 what if she looks at me and decides she doesn't like me anymore." 

Brendon bites his lip trying not to laugh.

"its not funny!" I yell

"No of course not babe," 

He walks up to me and kisses me. 

"She is your mom Ryan." 

"My dad was suppose to love me but he didn't." 

"You've said it yourself, she's not your father." 

"Now stop pacing like a maniac and try to calm down." 

"I know it's hard but just try for me ok." 

I nod again. 

I'll try no promises I won't fail but I'll try. 

Theres a knock on the door and my heart practically jumps out of my chest. 

I walk up to the door and take a deep breath. 

Brendon sits down at his dining table and opens up his book, while somehow managing to keep his eyes on me. 

I open the door and there she is in front of me. 

My mother is a average height with long brown hair and brown eyes. I realize in that moment how much I look like her. 

She smiles at me and a tear falls down her cheek. 

"you've grown up to be such a handsome young man." She says 

"Hi mom." 

I hug her. She still smells the same, her perfume is still the same lavender smell and she still is warm to the touch. She still has the same birthmark on her hand. She is still my mother. 

"Come in mom please." 

"Mom this is my-" 

I almost said boyfriend. 

Could I say that? 

My father had always made his beliefs on the gay community known but my mother never talked about it. 

If I came out here would I lose her again? 

Brendon looked at me and saw the anxiety wash over my face. 

He nodded trying to be reassuring.

"He's my bandmate." 

"Oh!" 

"It's so nice to meet you." 

"it's nice to meet you too." 

We sit on the couch and Brendon goes back to his book. 

My mother tells me about her new husband and her other kids, she tells me about her job as a nurse and about her wedding. 

I tell her about the band, and living in New York, I spare her the gruesome details of my childhood.

"So your father what happened he used to be so healthy."

Brendon put his book down 

"Dad just-he just- I." I take a deep breath and look at Brendon. He nods "Dad started drinking when you left and he drank a lot everyday and it caught up to him." 

"He did what." Her voice gets quiet. 

She does that when she gets mad. 

"Ryan if he laid a hand on you-" 

"No mom it wasn't like that." 

It disgusts me that even to this day I lie for him

"Ryan." Brendon says 

He's looking at me disapprovingly. 

My mom looks from him to me. 

"Ryan what happened when I left." 

I looked at her. 

"Dad started to drink, and he just shut down so I started just picking up for him and taking care of the house cause he wasn't doing it," I take a deep breath   
"So it got expected of me to take care of everything and when I didn't he would get mad, and when dad gets drunk and mad he-" 

"He gets violent." 

A tear falls down her cheek. 

"it was mostly just calling me names and making me feel like shit but there were a few times when he hit me, he pushed me down the stairs once." I sigh "it wasn't that bad until he-" 

I take a deep breath. 

"Until he figured out I like boys." 

I can't look at her, I'm waiting for the cries of disgust. 

"What did he do to you." 

I look up at her. 

"He beat me up." 

My hand instinctively goes to my ribs. 

"What do you mean he-" 

"Me and my friend got a call from Ryan asking us to bring him to the hospital, he had been punched and kicked," Brendon said "he had a broken nose and bruises all over his face, he had a black eye for about a week, and he had 3 snapped ribs and 3 ribs that were just cracked." Brendon remembered that day probably better then I did.

She is crying hard now. 

"How old were you." she's horrified, She is making the same face Brendon made when he saw me. 

"nineteen" 

"Ryan you could've called me I would've-" "God Ryan baby why didn't you call me." 

"I don't know I just." 

I'm choking on my own tears trying to fight them. 

"I just didn't want to be your baggage." My voice breaks and I start to cry. 

That is something I have never told anyone. 

"Ryan your my son you could never be-my goodness never baby." 

She hugs me and I cry, I feel like I'm a kid again confiding in her because she felt like the only person who cared. 

"Oh and one more thing Brendon's not just my bandmate or roommate or friend." 

"I know sweetie." 

"Ok good." 

I stop hugging her and wipe my cheeks. 

"Im gay mom." 

"I know sweetie." 

I don't know how she knows, I don't care that she knows. 

I just care about her.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just gonna be a cute filler chapter! Fluffy and sweet!

My mother stays for a few more days but then has to go back to Las Vegas. Something about her other sons football game. Brendon convinced me to start moving some stuff in. So we've been moving me into his apartment. I haven't gotten much to move. I'm not sentimental. 

I wake up late that morning around ten. I'm alone in the bed, Brendon's already gotten up. I throw the covers off of me and walk into the living room. He's playing piano in the room next to his. He plays so perfectly. I open the door and stand in the doorway watching him play. 

"Hey." I say

He stops playing and smiles at me.

"Good morning gorgeous." 

"Morning." I reply

He gets up from the piano bench and walks up to me. He puts his hands on my waist and kisses me. 

I sink into his touch and hum contently. 

His hand wraps around me and rests on my back

"How'd you sleep." He asks 

"Good." 

He smiles his perfect smile. 

"Good I'm glad."

"What do you wanna do today." He asks, brushing a piece of hair out of my face. 

"I don't know." 

"We should probably take Hobo for a walk." Brendon said 

I nod. 

"Yeah probably." 

He walks out into the kitchen and pours himself coffee.

"You want some." 

I shake my head.

"No I'm good." 

He sips the warm substance and is staring at me. 

"What." I say smiling. 

"Nothing, I just like looking at you." 

I roll my eyes. 

Brendon puts his cup down and walks up to me. 

"What!" I say 

He keeps looking at me and smiling. 

His lips press against mine, we both sigh just happy to be here together. 

Finally, just us. 

No bullshit. 

I'm completely his. 

I called the hospital my dads at the other day, I told them to not bother calling me again until he was dead. 

Brendon kisses my neck. 

"Stop it the tickles." 

He continues. 

Hobo runs up to us and starts barking. 

"Hey."

I kneel down and rub behind her ears. 

She lies down and rolls onto her back.

Brendon kisses my temple. 

"You're pretty you know that."

"Thank you." 

"You are very welcome." 

I look up at him and smile. 

"I love you Ryan Ross." 

"I love you too."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !Trigger warning! There's gonna mentions of suicde and abuse in this chapter. 
> 
> Read away....

Time goes very slowly when bad things happen. 

It's cruel how the universe does that to you. 

It's cruel how it makes your worst moments travel slowly. It's torturous. 

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing at 4:00 in the morning. 

"What is that." Brendon groaned

"I don't know." 

I picked up my phone and looked at the number. 

Unknown. 

"Hello." 

"Mr. Ross." 

My heart skipped a beat. 

"Yes." 

Everything moves in slow motion. 

"Mr. Ross today at 3:45 in the morning your father passed away, his organs shut down, I'm so sorry." 

My throat closes, and my heart stops. 

"Mr. Ross are you there?" 

"Thank you." 

I hang up the phone and get out of the bed. 

"Ryan who was that." 

I grab my jacket and put my shoes on. Brendon's rushing to follow me. 

"Ryan baby please stop talk to me." 

I walk out the door and run down the stairs. I walk out into the cold New York air. 

I can not breathe, I can't see straight. 

Everything around me is moving but I am frozen, frozen to the words. 

Frozen to my father. 

I start running. Running down the streets as fast as I can. I don't know where I am going to, but I am going. 

"Ryan!" Brendon is screaming. 

I fall off the sidewalk and I'm in traffic. 

I scream. 

The world feels like it has been turned on high,

High volume,   
Drivers lean on the wheel screaming at me to move.

High brightness,   
Headlights are speeding at me and past me. 

High pain,

I'm hit. 

"Ryan!"


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Welcome to the next chapter. The usual trigger warnings apply for this chapter so please proceed with caution. That's all I have to say for now so please Read Away................

I open my eyes to see more bright lights. These lights are whiter though. They're cleaner. 

My head tips to the side and the lights get less strong. 

Brendon's face goes into focus. 

He's staring at his knees and his breath is shaky. 

I try to say hi but all that comes out is a strained squeak. 

Brendon looks up and he wipes the tears off his face. 

I keep trying to speak but the same noise comes out. 

"Shh shh baby don't try to talk, it's ok they had to cut your throat open." 

My eyes widen and Brendon sees the panic in my eyes. 

"Ryan baby don't worry they-um-they had to put a tube down your throat because you weren't breathing but your throat was swelled so they cut your throat." 

I don't know why I'm in the hospital, all I remember is going to sleep last night. 

A doctor comes in and takes the tube out. 

"Brendon fuck what happened." 

He looks up at me with wide eyes. 

"I dont't know babe you-you got a call last night and ran out of the apartment and into ongoing traffic, y-y-you got hit by a car." 

It all comes back to me. 

My father Is dead. 

And I wanted to go with him. 

"Ryan god what happened." 

A tear slips down my cheek. 

"My dad-" A sob slips out of my lips. 

Brendon rushes to his feet and hugs me. 

I feel a burning on my face as tears slip down me.

I yelp and my hand goes to a line of stitches that goes from the side of my forehead down to the bottom of my neck. 

I'm crying more and it stings, it keeps stinging. But I can't stop crying. 

My father is dead, my father is dead and even from his grave he is kicking me, even from his deathbed he is breaking me apart trying to kill me. 

Even in death my father has destroyed me. 

Brendon kisses my head. 

"it's ok." 

There will be a scar, I will have another wound that he has given me, I will go through it all again, the self loathing, the depression and anxiety, the trust issues. I will go through hell again. 

A doctor runs in. 

"Get me a sedative."

I then realize that i'm screaming 

"Please stop please dad." 

"Please it's not what you think it is." 

I'm back there, I'm back and he's kicking me and I can't get out, he's going to kill me, I'm going to die. 

I feel a pinch on my arm and then everything goes out of focus and white, and then it's black.


	18. Chapter 18

The next time I wake up the lights don't hurt as much. When I open my eyes I find Brendon next to me. 

He's reading To Kill a Mockingbird still. 

"Brendon." 

He looks up at me. 

"Hey." He says 

"Hey." 

My voice is weak and tired. Brendon looks like he hasn't slept in days. I want to go home with him.

"Brendon what happened to me." I sob

He wipes a tear away from my cheek. 

"When you got hit by the car the windshield shattered and you got glass down your face and neck, and then you had some internal bleeding so they had to do surgery-" 

"Thats two." I say 

"W-what?" Brendon asks. 

"Two more scars." 

"The plastic surgeon said that the one on your forehead and neck will only leave a scar on the middle of your neck, he also said that it'd be barely visible." 

"What about the one on my stomach." 

"That will leave a scar." 

My heart sinks. 

"Ryan it's gonna be ok, those scars don't matter, they don't define you." Brendon says 

But they do. I will look at those every day for the rest of my life and see my father. He will be on me for the rest of my life. Brendon will have to look at me and see me like that. For as long as he can deal with me. 

3 doctors walk into the room, me and Brendon both bring our attention to them. 

"Hi Ryan my name is Dr. Stone I'm your psychiatrist." 

"Hi, I'm Dr. Lace I'm your surgeon I took care of your internal bleeding." 

"and I'm Dr. Sloan I'm your plastic surgeon." 

"Hi." I say 

"Is it ok if we all just take a look." 

I sigh 

"go for it." 

Dr. Sloan puts on gloves and starts examining the side of my face while Dr. Lace opens my hospital gown and checks my incision and Dr. Stone pulls out a notebook and writes down some stuff before asking me questions. 

"So Ryan tell me about what happened before the accident." 

Brendon looks at me and sees me. 

I'm nervous he can read it. 

"Can we do this later Dr. Stone." He says 

She nods "Of course." 

"Ryan how'd you get this scar here."

Her hands on my ribs.

I push her hand away and close the hospital gown quickly. 

"its nothing" 

Dr. Stone looks at me. She's not leaving now.

I feel invaded, I just gave some random person an all access pass to my body, to my story and they used it in the wrong way. They always ask the wrong questions. 

"Ryan I'm your doctor I-" 

"It's nothing please just get out." 

"Ryan its ok." Brendon takes my hand and I look over at him. 

He's completely calm.

How can he be calm? How can he be alright. My entire life story is in that one scar and now they're asking about it. They're trying to get me to tell them everything. I don't want to tell them everything. I don't want to tell them anything. 

"I cracked my ribs I had surgery it's nothing." 

Dr. Lace looks at Dr. Stone. 

They exchange worried glances and then Dr. Stone sits back down. 

Dr. Sloan, and Dr. Lace leave. 

"Ryan if it was just a surgery why-" 

"It doesn't matter." I snap 

My hand goes to my ribs. 

It's all instinct. 

The shaking hands, the hand on my ribs, the running, the lying. it's compulsive. And it's disgusting. 

I am disgusting.


	19. Chapter 19

I'm not going to sleep. My body has decided that sleep isn't an option for me as long as I'm in the hospital. I'm reading instead. Brendon had gone home to change his clothes and he had brought my favorite book of poems with him. Poetry by Arthur Rimbaud. I'm in the middle of reading one of my favorite works of his  _The Foolish Virgin_ when the door to my room opens. 

A nurse with long black hair and bright green eyes walks in. 

"Hi sorry to interrupt I was just checking your vitals." 

I smile 

"You don't have to lie, I know your in here to make sure I'm not trying to kill myself again." 

She nods.

"Do you want something to help you sleep." 

"No I'm good I have no desire to sleep." 

"Let me guess, you hate hospitals." 

I nod 

"Is it that obvious."

"Kinda." 

We both laugh. 

"What're you reading," 

"Oh Arthur Rimbaud he's just some old French poet, I like him." 

Brendon groans and sits up. 

"Hey." his voice is tired and raspy. 

"Happy reading." The nurse leaves.

"Thanks." 

"What time is it." 

"Almost 2."

Brendon rubs the sleep out of his eyes and leans back in his chair. 

"Why aren't you sleeping."

"couldn't put the book down." 

Brendon smiles

"I remember when I gave that to you," he smiles as the memory floods back into our minds "It was Christmas and we were on tour, you were sick and miserable, and when I gave it to you," He stops and breathes in "Your eyes just lit up it was funny." 

He looks at the poem book.

"Which one are you reading." 

"The Foolish Virgin." 

I move over on the bed and he sits next to me. 

"This is my favorite one." He tells me 

"I know." 

He kisses my temple, he nudges my neck with his nose and kisses my neck. 

I smile and brush him off. 

"We're in a hospital." I scold 

He laughs 

"I know." 

He puts his head on my shoulder and his hand lies on my chest. 

I pick the book back up and I read aloud softly and he listens. 

"I used to be very serious in those days, I wasn't born to become a skeleton!... He was a child or almost... His delicate, mysterious ways enchanted me. I forgot all my duties in order to follow him. What a life we lead! True life is lacking. We are exiles from this world, really - I go where he goes, I have to. And lots of times he gets mad at me, _at me, poor sinner_. That Devil! He really is a Devil, you know, and _not a man_." I read 

"That'd be a good lyric." Brendon says. He's half asleep. 

"what babe." 

"I wasn't born," He yawns "to be a skeleton." 

I nod 

"Yeah it would." 

He doesn't hear me though, he's already back asleep. 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! so I don't really have much to say so read away....

My body took control and I was forced into sleep at around 4. I wake up around 10. The book has been placed on the bedside table next to me. I groan and look over at the place where Brendon is suppose to be.

I look around the room and he's not there.

I try not to panic. I tell myself that it's fine that he probably went to get coffee or make a phone call ad that he'll be back.

But I am alone. Alone in this room. Alone in this hospital. Alone in a place where my ghosts can come and get me easily. My hand starts to shake again.

I get up out of the bed and I wince, the stitches on stomach burn. I go to the window and look outside. It's raining. I grab a pad of paper and a pencil.

As I stare out the window my hand rests on my ribs,  it comes to me. 

_I know the worlds a broken bone, but melt your headaches call it home._

I know that my life has sucked. I know that I was never the happiest kid or the happiest adult, but I'm stuck here. I'm stuck on this earth. So I might as well enjoy my time here. 

I put the paper back down and just keep looking outside. Everything looks so small from where I am. From up this high. I want nothing more then to go outside and feel the freezing cold New York rain. I love the rain more then anything. I walk over to the door and step outside into the hall. Doctors and nurses are walking around everywhere. The nurse that came into my room last night walks over to me. 

"Ryan hey are you ok." 

"Yeah fine." 

She takes my arm and walks with me. 

"You should probably get back into bed wouldn't want to rip your stitches." 

"It'll be fine." I say 

She doesn't stop me. 

Brendon is standing at the end of the hall looking out a window while a doctor talks to him. He sees me and walks away from the doctor and straight to me. 

"what are you doing you're gonna rip your stitches." 

He tries to stop me. 

"Will you stop it." I swat his hand away from me.

"Ryan-" 

"Brendon I'll be fine." 

He takes my other arm and walks with me and the nurse. 

"I never got your name." I say to the nurse.

"Oh um my name is Rebecca."

"Ryan you really need to get back into bed." She says. 

"No."

I want to go outside. I want to go and feel the rain, and breathe fresh air instead of hospital air. 

My doctor walks up to me. 

"Ryan you have to get back into bed you're gonna rip your stitches." 

"no." 

"Ryan!" she protests. 

"I already tried." Rebecca says 

We get to the elevator and I press the first floor. 

"Ryan where the hell are we going." Brendon ask. 

"Don't worry about it." 

I walk out of the elevator and towards the door. 

"Ryan it's pouring rain." 

I shake Rebecca and Brendon off and run outside. 

"Ryan." They chase after me but I get out before they can grab me. 

I step out into the rain and I sigh. It's cold, but I don't think anything ever felt so good. 

Brendon is shaking his head and half smiling at me. 

"You're insane." 

I look at him 

"It runs in the family." 

He breaks out into a smile and then starts laughing hard. 

He kisses my temple. 

"I love you." 

He's soaking wet and so am I. My hair is matted down to my face my sweatpants are dragging down on my hips, and my shirt is sticking to me. 

"God I love the rain." 

Rebecca shakes her head. 

"It's just cold water Ryan."

"When you come from Las Vegas and you literally live in a desert rain is a lot more then just cold water." 

It's always more then it seems. 

It's always more then just cold water. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry this isn't the end of the story!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that all you that celebrate it had a good thanksgiving! Here's a new chapter, I hope you guys like it, leave me some feedback and stuff. Anyway that's all I have to say.   
> Read away...

Brendon and I walk into our apartment late on a Saturday night. I just got discharged and it's my first time back. 

I walk into the bedroom and stare at the bed. The feeling that I got when I learned my father was dead rushes over me again. Brendon takes my hand. 

"Are you ok?" His voice is soft. 

"My dad is dead." I try not to cry, I blink away the tears as best as I can but they slip out on to my cheeks. 

I sit down on the bed and he walks over to me and kisses my temple.

"It's gonna be ok baby." he says gently 

"God Brendon I hate myself for missing him." 

"Ryan he was your dad of course you miss him." 

"Brendon he beat me I'm not suppose to love him." 

"Ryan he raised you of course you love him it's instinct." 

I never realized that I wasn't insane for still caring about him. 

"What." 

He sits down next to me and puts a hand on my back. 

I lean into him and close my eyes. 

"I'm sorry." 

"For what baby." 

"I've just been a lot more trouble then I'm worth." 

"You are worth a lot more trouble then this." 

Brendon leans forward and kisses me. His lips are wet and soft against mine. I sink into his touch and my hand goes to the side of his face. 

"I love you." he says 

The words spill over me like warm honey. They melt me. 

"I love you too." The words come easy to me. 

Easier then they ever have before.

He leans towards me again and our lips press together. 

His tongue darts across my bottom lip, and I move closer to him. His arm wraps around the small of my back. He pulls me in so our chest touch. He takes his mouth away from mine, and his hand brushes a piece of hair away from my face. 

"You're so beautiful." 

I blush. 

"You're beautiful." I say 

"Why thank you." he takes the compliment well. better then I do. 

I kiss him quickly. 

He runs his fingers through my hair and smiles at me. 

His smile could light up the entire world I swear to god. 

We leave for tour again in 2 weeks and he's panicked. He is stressing like crazy and it's showing on him. He's got bags under his eyes and his face is weary. He wears a smile on his face but he's not doing so well on the inside. I can read him like a book. And he can read me. it's like fate or something. 

But fate is twisted. This isn't. It's good. It's probably the best relationship I've ever had. 

Him on the other hand. He's probably had better. 

"What." He says 

"Nothing." I say 

I'm trying to brush the feeling of him with other people. 

Him with Girls, Girls, and boys. 

But somehow out of everyone that he's met. Every face that he's seen in a crowd, or every body that he's touched in a club, he chose me. Out of every laugh and smile he's seen. He chose mine. 

I don't think I'll ever be able to comprehend why he chose me. I could name AT LEAST 10 people who are a LOT better then me. 

He tilts his head and looks at me, he's trying to peer through the walls I've put up. 

But those walls are a fortress, and they are not to broken. 

I will go down with that ship.


	22. Chapter 22

He's running around the entire house trying to find out where his purple sweatshirt is . Hobo is watching him like he's crazy.

I'm just glad that for once I'm not the crazy one.

"Babe we still have another week till tour it's gonna be ok."

"Fuck!" He yells

I flinch.

He sits down next to me on the couch and puts his head in his hands.

I put my hand on his back and trace circles with my finger.

I don't know what to say. I'm not good at this.

"it's g-gonna be ok." I say

He smiles and looks at me.

"You're really bad at this."

I take a deep breath and sigh relieved he's not mad.

"I know."

He laughs at me.

"Shut up I wasn't loved as a child no one ever comforted me!"

He bites his tongue trying not to laugh but he does. he falls over onto me and smiles.

I laugh too.

"We have sick senses of humor I hope your realize that." I say

He nods still laughing.

"I know."

"It might be a good thing that you can't find that sweatshirt."

He smiles.

"What you don't like it?"

I shake my head.

"I think it's reached the end of it's life."

He shrugs.

"Maybe."

"I love that god damn thing though."

"Why."

"Because you gave it to me."

We were kids and we were walking to his house from the convenient store and he was cold, so I gave it to him.

I smile.

it was after the accident and I had finally gotten out of the hospital and I decided that I wanted to take care of him for a change.

Do the best I could with 6 aching ribs.

"That's just cheesy."

He scoffs and pushes my arm, then he gets up and sighs.

"So I'm gonna find it."

I shake my head.

"Babe don't bother."

He ignores me and begins his search again.

I guess I don't really understand it anyway. I don't really have anything sentimental.

_Diamonds do appear to be, just like broken glass to me._

I walk into my room and write that down. 

I write it next to 

I know the words a broken bone. 

Brendon smiles and holds the sweatshirt in his hand. 

"I found it!" 

I smile at him. 

"Great." 

He kisses me quickly and walks away. 

"where are you going?" I ask 

"I'm gonna wash it." 

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has graphic depictions of sexual assault.

Brendon stands up on stage and sings into the mic, the lights hit him perfectly. I can't really see the crowd through all of the lights. 

But I know there are a lot of them. 

This is the first show I've played sober, in a long time. It's terrifying. 

Brendon keeps glancing back at me trying to see if I'm ok. 

I'm not. But I'll pretend I am for his sake. 

I walk up to the mic and sing my part. 

Is it appropriate for me to play guitar while having my back to the audience? 

I don't think so. 

We finally end and bow. 

I shove my hands in my pockets to hide them shaking. 

Zach leads us out to the bus and there are fans gathering already. 

We walk over to them and sign some stuff, and take some pictures. Then we get on the bus and drive away as quick as possible. 

The panic is still coursing through my body. Brendon grabs a beer from a mini fridge and opens it. 

"We should go out tonight." Jon says 

"Have fun before tour really starts." 

Spencer and Brendon nod. 

"Yeah what'd you think Ry." Spencer says 

I shrug. 

"Sure why not." 

"We could go to Pete's club I don't think it's that far from here." Jon says 

We all nod and we tell the bus driver.  
\-------------

We get there a few minutes later and we get off the bus and walk in. it's buzzing and it's full of people. 

Pete and a tall man with brown hair walks up to us and smiles. 

"Hey guys." He says happily. 

"This is Gabe." 

We introduce ourselves and he smiles at us. 

He's tall, taller then I am. He looks me up and down. 

"Come on in I'll get you guys a drink." Pete says 

I get handed a beer. I stare at the drink like it's gonna kill me. Brendon eyes me nervously. I don't want him to worry. I love him, he should be able to have fun without worrying about me. So I drink it. 

it's bitter and it burns my tongue. I think that's just in my head though. We sit down at a table and drink and talk. I don't though. I drink, but I don't talk. Everyone is laughing and buzzing around me. Brendon is tipsy enough to not worry about me. 

"im gonna go get some air." 

I walk out and hold my hands together. They're shaking. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. My heart is racing. I'm constantly terrified of being my father. 

The door opens and Gabe comes out. 

"Ryan buddy you ok." 

I look at him and nod. 

"Yeah yeah I'm fine." 

He eyes me. 

"Lets go for a walk." 

I follow him. 

"I heard about your dad I'm really sorry, that sucks." 

"Thanks man." 

He and I walk down the street and he turns into a darker street. 

"um Gabe not to be rude or anything but where the hell are we going?"

He leans up against the side of a sky scraper and looks me up and down. 

"Here." 

I look around. it's dark. And cold. 

All I see is the outline of Gabe's body and our breathe. He gets closer. And then our breath meets. His mouth crashes against mine. 

I push him away. 

"What the hell are you doing." I yell 

He pushes me against the wall and kisses me again. I try to move my hands to push him but he pins them down and keeps me there. Locked in the position with the weight of him pressing against me. 

I push my knee up, and it hits in between his legs. He groans. 

"You fucker." He says 

He punches me in the gut. 

I cough and then he's there again against me. I can feel the bulge in his pants press against me. He pushes my jacket off of me, and I struggle against him, but he's taller then me, and a lot stronger.

His hand reaches and squeezes my ass. 

Tears fall out of my eyes and onto my cheeks. 

I try to knee him again but he's moved his legs so I only kick his thigh. 

"I'd stop that if I were you." He says 

He presses his mouth against my ear. 

I spit in his face and push him away again. I try to run again but my ribs hurt to much and I fall over and clutch them. I fall down and he picks me up and punches me in the face. His hand touches my thigh and moves up. He pushes me down onto my knees. I have blood leaking from my nose. 

"You're a mess sweetie." He says 

I can't breathe. 

"I dont fuck messes." 

He leaves me there on the ground. 

I fall over onto my side and stare at the wall in front of me. It's all blurry because of the tears in my eyes. My entire body feels like it is burning. I feel dirty, and no matter what I do, I know I will not be able to get clean. The concrete is wet and cold. But I can't get up. My legs aren't working. My body won't move. I feel like I'm going to throw up. 

"Ryan?" I hear Brendon yelling 

"Ry? bud where are you?" Theres Pete. 

and Jon and Spencer yell as well. 

"oh my god." 

Brendon runs over to me and falls onto his knees. 

"Ryan, Ryan what happened." 

He pulls me off the ground and brushes me off. 

"Oh my god who did this to you." 

He reaches to touch my face.

"Don't." I yell 

He takes his hand away quickly. 

"Ryan it's me it's ok." 

Brendon turns to look at them. 

"Go get the bus we need to leave." 

They all go leaving me and Brendon alone in the cold. 

He moves back and I grab his arm. 

"Don't leave me please don't-" 

I cough and I lean over and throw up. 

Brendon puts his hand on my back. 

I stop and lean against the wall. My nose is still bleeding. 

Brendon takes my hand and I pull away. 

"Shh hold on I'm just taking your glove." 

He takes the white piece of cloth off me and spits on it. 

"Sorry I know it's not the cleanest thing." 

He wipes the dried blood off of me and pressed my nose with the cloth. 

I'm shaking. 

"I-i-"

"it's ok." 

"No matter what the hell happened, it'll be ok." 

I don't believe him.


	24. Chapter 24

I step out of my bunk late in morning a few days later. Brendon is sitting at a table on the bus looking out the window. I sit across from him. 

"Hey." he says 

"It was Gabe." 

I'm gripping the edge of the table so hard my hands are white. 

"What." 

"The other night," I take a breath "it was Gabe." 

"I went out to get out for a minute and he told me to walk with him and I did and he-" I don't want to say it. I don't want to tell him. Things were so good and I'm about to ruin it. How could I be such a stupid slut. 

"He k-he tried-he just-" I let out a sob and put my face in my hands. it hurts. Everything just hurts to much. 

Brendon put his hand on mine. 

"Ryan-" 

"He kissed me, and I swear to god I told him no but he didn't listen and he-" 

Brendon's face is cold. 

"He-he touched me and when I tried to get away he punched me and then left." 

Brendon is quiet. He's staring at the table. I don't know what he's thinking. I can't read him. 

I'm shaking, I'm waiting for him to yell and scream at me.

But he doesn't. 

"p-please don't be mad." I say.

He looks up at me and his eyes are filled with tears. He wipes his eyes. 

"Ryan-" He sighs "babe I'm not mad how could I be mad you had absolutely no control." 

I take a deep breathe and lean back in my chair. 

"God I'm gonna kill him." 

I look at him. 

"Brendon don't." 

"He fucking assaulted you." Brendon yelled. 

"What are you gonna do?" I yell 

"Beat the shit out of him, and get arrested?" 

"Whats that gonna do for us Brendon?" 

"You can't just sit here and take this Ryan!" he says 

"What am I gonna do Brendon, take someone who's a lot more famous then me to court and hope that they deicide in favor of the suicidal, gay, drug addict?" 

"That's not how it works." 

His face softens and he looks at me worried. "I'm sorry I-" "You forgot about the hospitalizations and about fucking running into on coming traffic." "No Ryan god no." He said I put my head in my hands and sit down on the couch. I sob and Brendon sits down next to me. "I'm sorry." He says I hold my hands together and sob. "I'm sorry this happened I'm sorry." I cry. I'm trying to stop, I'm desperately trying to collect myself. Brendon wrapped his arm around me and brought me close to him. "It's ok Ryan." But it's not ok. Nothing is ok.


	25. Chapter 25

I never planned to have to see him again. I was going to forget it happened. I was going to move on and pretend he didn't exist. 

But there he was. Gabe Saporta. Across the room. Pete was having a party and we had to go because the media would notice If we weren't there. So we went. 

Brendon and I stand next to each other and he's staring at him. 

I nudge him. 

"Don't." 

He takes a deep breath and nods. We walk into the party and say hi to a bunch of people. 

Pete runs up to us. 

"Hey man how're you doing." he asks 

"I'm good." I say 

"Good, come with me." 

Pete drags me over to a counter thats filled with a fuck ton of alcohol. 

He mixes a bunch of stuff together and hands it to me. 

"You have earned this." 

I laugh and take it from him. 

"Thanks." 

I take a sip and gag. 

"What the fuck is this." 

"I think it's tequila, vodka, and gin, with some sugar." 

"dude are you trying to kill me." 

"no I'm just trying to get you to get super wasted and loosen up." 

"You've been through a lot it's good to just get fucked up every once and a while." 

I scoff.

I dump the drink down the drain. I grab a few shot glasses from the counter and I take shots with Pete. I'm buzzed. 

A beer gets handed to me and I make my way back to Brendon. He's sitting on a couch talking with. Mikey Way from My chem. Pete freezes. 

"Pete are you ok." 

"Um yeah dude I'm ok." 

I look from Pete at Mikey.

"Oh my god did you sleep with him." 

He looks at me guiltily.

"I slept with him a lot." 

I laugh. 

"Come on I'll be your wingman." 

We walk over and I sit next to Brendon and Pete sits next to Mikey.

"Hey." Pete says 

"Hey man it's good to see you." Mikey says 

"You too." 

Brendon turns and looks at me. 

"How are you doing." 

"I'm not drunk enough." I say 

He laughs. 

"That can be changed." 

I smile. 

"I hope so." 

I want to move closer to him and put my head on his shoulder. I want to go back home to New York with him. I chug the rest of my beer. 

"Come with me." 

He gets up with me and we find more stuff to drink. I do more shots until I can't even see straight. 

I take his hand and drag him up the stairs and into a bathroom. 

"Do you already have to puke?" he says teasingly 

He closes the door and I lock it. 

I sit on the counter and I pull him closer to me. My lips press against his. His hand touches my side. it's electric, he is sending pure energy through me and I love it. I push my tongue in his mouth and my hand lies on his waist. My mouth moves to his neck and jaw. His breath hitches as our bodies press together. 

"Fuck your drunk." 

"No I'm not." I'm totally not drunk. 

I mean maybe I'm a little drunk but I'm not wasted. Or at least thats what I'm telling myself. 

"Yes you are babe." 

"I don't care." 

I try to kiss him but he steps back. 

"No." I whine. 

He smiles. 

"come on lets go." 

I pout. 

"I know your drunk because thats when you start acting like a little kid." 

I smirk. 

I pull him towards me again and kiss him. 

"A very horny child." he says 

We walk out of the bathroom and he wraps his arm around me to keep me on my feet. 

Jon walks up to us. 

"Wow I haven't seen him this drunk since he was nineteen."

Brendon smiled.

"Ryan can you feel your face." 

"I have a face!" I say excitedly. 

Brendon smiles 

"We're gonna go to the hotel." Brendon says 

"OK I'll see you guys then." 

"Bye." Brendon says 

"Bye Jonathan." I say 

"Goodbye George." He teases 

I stick my tongue out at him and Brendon drags me towards the door. 

Then Gabe shows up next to me and grabs my arm. 

"Do you need some help." he says 

Brendon looks over and his face goes from a smile to a straight deadly look. 

"No." 

"OK I was just asking." Gabe said offended. 

"In fact why don't you let go of him." Brendon says 

"Dude I'm just trying to help relax." 

"I'm sure thats all your trying to do." 

I look at Gabe and stick my finger in his face. 

"You are a horrible person." 

I'm slurring my words.

He scoffs. 

"Ok then." 

He's getting nervous. 

"Ryan come on." 

Brendon pulls me away. 

I walk with him. 

"Where are we going." I whine 

"We're going to the hotel." 

We walk out of Pete's house and outside. 

We walk down the block and I start to shiver. 

"I'm cold." I pout. 

He smiles and takes off his jacket.

"Here." 

"Your so romantic." I say 

"I know." 

"And your so fucking pretty it's not fair, I just wanna kiss your stupid face." I say 

"Did you just call me and stupid and pretty at the same time?" He says 

"Maybe." 

We get to the hotel and find our room. Brendon gives me my pajamas and tells me to get changed. And I somehow manage it. I lie down in bed and he lies next to me, 

"You think it's ok if I sleep with you tonight." Brendon asks 

"I think thatssss a reeeaaaallly good I dea." 

Brendon smiles. 

"Do you think sober you will have the same opinion?"

"yeah."

"I think sober me will be thrilled that I found a cute boy for us to sleep with" 

Brendon smiles and kisses me. 

"I love you." 

"I love you more." I say 

"Thats not possible." 

I kiss him.

"Goodnight." 

"Goodnight." He says


	26. Chapter 26

I wake up the next day and Brendon is asleep next to me. I don't remember much except for getting drunk, trying to sleep with Brendon, and going to bed. My arms are wrapped around him. I pull myself away from him and my hand goes to my head. I feel like shit. I get up from the bed and my stomach drops. I run into the bathroom and throw up in the toilet. I cough and spit into the toilet. I drop my head down as another round of my insides comes up out of me. I groan and lie on the bathroom floor. 

Brendon walks in and sits down next to me. 

"Hey beautiful." 

I groan 

"How bad is it." 

I sit up and throw up again. 

"Oh gross."

"What the hell happened last night?" I ask 

"You got drunk and it was really funny." 

I lie down and put my head in his lap. 

He looks down at me and combs his fingers through my hair. He always knows exactly how to calm me down. 

"I'm in love with you." I say 

He smiles and brushes a piece of hair out of my face. 

"What a coincidence because I'm in love with you too." Brendon says 

"Wow." I say 

Brendon grins. 

"I feel like shit." I say 

"You got super drunk." Brendon says 

"What do you remember." 

"Not much, I remember drinking a lot and then drinking more and then I tried to sleep with you and then I fell asleep." 

Brendon smiles. 

"I gotta say you are one hell of a player drunk." he says sarcastically. 

I laugh. 

"Oh I know." 

We pause and I look over at the wall and he looks at me. 

"If you weren't just throwing up I would totally be kissing you right now." He says 

"I wish you were." 

In that moment I lunge forward and throw up again. 

Brendon tries hard not to laugh. 

"Shut up." I groan. 

"I'm sorry I know it's not funny but that was really good timing." he laughs. 

I groan and he pulls me back to lie down again.

"I love you." He says

"I love you too."


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a super long chapter btw... I don't have much to say about this chapter I don't think but Read away...

My father was never a good father. He was always distant and mean but when I was 19 he told me for the first time since I was 12 that he loved me. I was in the hospital and he was sober and he put his hand on my head and he was crying and he told me. 

"I love you son." 

I believed him.   
And when he got drunk again and told me I was a faggot again. I told myself I would never fall for it again. 

I did. 

I always did. 

I'm sitting in my hotel trying to call Brendon but he's not answering me. There's a knock on my door and I get up from the bed and open it to find Pete standing in front of me with Jon, and Zach. 

"Ryan can we come in." Jon says. 

"Yeah guys whats up." 

"Sit down." says Pete.

I sit down and look at them all like they're crazy. 

"What's going on what is this." I ask. 

"Ryan it's about Brendon." 

My heart drops. 

"is he dead." I say 

It's instinct. It's compulsive. It's disgusting. 

"No he- he's not dead." Zach says 

"Brendon got beat up pretty bad." Jon said 

"What." I say 

I grip the sheets on my bed tight. 

"Where is he." 

"He's going to the hospital now." 

"Well why the fuck am I here I need to go." I stand up and Zach pushes me back on the bed. 

"Ryan I just need to ask this," Pete says "Do you know why Gabe would beat the shit out of Brendon." 

My face goes white. 

"What." I say 

"Gabe he just, he beat the shit out of him." Jon said

"I have to see him." 

I stand up and Zach goes to grab me. 

"Zach I swear to god if you get in my way I will knee you in the balls." I say 

He steps back.   
I walk out of the room and down the hall. I don't know where I'm going or where he is, but I walk. I need to try to get to him. I walk out of the hotel and we get in the van. Zach drives. I don't know where we're going, but we need to go. I'm staring out the window watching buildings and trees go by. 

"Ryan before we get there I just want you to prepare yourself it's bad he-" 

"Pete my father broke 6 of my ribs when I was nineteen I'm prepared." 

They all look at me. 

It's true. I'm always ready for and things to happen. I'm always waiting. And here it is. 

Right on cue.

We get out of the van and walk inside the hospital. Everyone looks like they're dying. Dying or wishing they were dead. It's toxic and it wraps around me like I'm home. I am. I've always been a home for tragedy.   
It took it's bags and moved in without even asking me. It never left. Sometimes it quiets down but it's always there. 

A nurse tells us to sit down and that she'd figure out what was going on for us. 

I look out the window and I realize I did this. If I hadn't let Gabe do that to me he wouldn't have gone after Brendon. It's always my fault. And I'm sick of it. I want it to be on someone else for once. I am sick of bearing this cross. 

We sit there for a few more minutes until a doctor comes up to us.   
I look up at the man.

"Is he ok." I say 

He nods. 

"He'll be ok, he has a broken nose and a lot of cuts and bruises, but he'll be ok." 

"What about his ribs." I ask 

The doctor looks at me like I'm crazy. 

"I don't think another person could really break someone else ribs that easily." He said 

"You never know." I say 

"His ribs are fine." the doctor says 

"Can I see him." 

"Yes I'll take you there." 

I follow the man, I walk in the room and Brendon's sitting up in his bed staring at his hands.

"Brendon I have a visitor for you."

Brendon looks over at the door and he smiles at me. It’s not like his usual grin it’s small and weak. The doctor closes the door and I walk over next to him.

“Hey.” He says 

I stay near the door and look at him. 

My heart hurts. 

“Whats going on?” He asks 

“I did this.” I say 

“This is my fault if I had just god if I hadn’t gone with Gabe you wouldn’t be here.”   
He shakes his head.

“No this isn’t your fault Ryan.” 

“I love you and now this happened.”   
I’m guilty and I know it. 

“I can’t let this happen to you.” I say 

The tears well up in my eyes 

“I can’t stay if this happens” 

“Ryan don’t do this please.”   
My hands start to shake again. 

“I love you so much-“ 

It burns in my throat and in my head. 

“Ryan this isn’t your fault you didn’t have a choice this-“ 

“We need to break up.” 

The world becomes unstable and it turns.

“No Ryan please.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

I grab the door and walk out of the room. I walk outside of the hospital and the warm air wraps around me. I stare out and the sun is going down. The sky is bright orange and pink. 

i’m choking on my own tears as I try to hold them back. But I can’t, because this hurts. It hurts bad. I take out my phone and text Jon tell him I’m gonna go out for a while and think. I walk away from the hospital, as the tears fall down my cheeks. I don’t know what city we’re in but it’s warm. I walk down sidewalks until I find a bar. I walk in and the scent of absent fathers and broken childhoods floods into my nose and through my body.   
Or maybe it’s just booze. 

I walk up to the bar and sit down. 

“You ok man?” A tall guy with dirty blond hair looks at me. He’s got bright green eyes that are so bright they don’t even look real. 

“Yeah.” I lie 

“What can I get you.” 

I laugh and shake my head. 

“I want to get as drunk as possible as quickly as I can.” I say 

He smiles.

“Bad day?” 

I nod. 

He hands me a scotch.   
“What happened.” 

I gulp down the golden liquid. 

“You don’t wanna know.” 

The guy smiles and re-fills my glass.

“Try me.” 

I nod and finish the drink.  
“Well lets see my dad died, I got hit by a car, got stuck in a hospital for a week, I was sexually assaulted then got beat up, my assaulter beat up my boyfriend, and then I broke up with my boyfriend.” 

The bartenders mouth is open and his eyes are wide open. 

“This ones on the house.” He says 

“I told you, you didn’t wanna know.” 

He smiles.

I can feel the alcohol in my system setting in, the room starts to spin a little as he pours me another drink. I miss Brendon.

“So why’d you break up with him.” 

I look at the bartender. 

“I don’t even know your name.” I say 

He laughs. 

“My names Jack.” He says 

I nod.

“I love him but I’m the reason he got beat up and I can’t let that happen again.” I say 

He nods approvingly. 

“Sounds noble.” He says 

“It’s suppose to be.” I say 

I’m sober again. 

“How much do I owe you.” I say pulling out my wallet. 

“Nothing don’t worry about it your days been bad enough.”   
I nod. 

“Thanks man.” 

“No problem.” 

I walk out of the bar and down the streets, I walk into a liqour store and grab a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of scotch . I put a cigarette in my mouth and light it. My phones ringing. I look and it’s Jon. He texted me. 

Jon: Ryan where the hell are you Brendon’s freaking out we need you.

I put my phone in my pocket again and keep walking. 

I refuse to be the baggage he carries. 

I keep telling myself that this is the right thing, that we both need this. But if this is so right, then why does it feel so wrong? I’m tipsy and I just want to go home and sleep. Thats when I realize my home is Brendon’s. I laugh. I fall against a building and laugh. I sink down onto my knees and start laughing really really hard. I am officially homeless. I stay there on the ground smoking for awhile. My phone is blowing up with texts from everyone. 

Spencer: Ryan Brendon told us about you and him he told us everything we get it we just want to know if your ok, please tell us your ok.

I stare at my phone. I don’t feel ok. I feel like getting hit by a car sounds pretty good idea right about now. But I can’t tell him I’m not ok because then he’ll get concerned. But I also really don’t feel like lying today. So I don’t respond. I take a swig out of the bottle of scotch. A woman walks up to me. 

“Sir are you ok.” 

I look up at the woman and smile. 

 

“Yeah I’m fine thank you.” 

she smiles and goes to walk away. 

“Umm miss one question.” 

She looks at me and smiles.

“Where am I.” 

She smiles. 

“You’re in Chicago.” 

I nod. 

“Thanks.” 

She walks away. 

I get up and walk around some more. The city is bright and busy. Its night now and I look up but there aren’t any stars. The cities to bright. I guess I should be use to it, I grew up in fucking Vegas. I flag down a taxi and get in. 

“Can you take me to the hospital please.” 

I pull in and pay the cab driver. I walk into the lobby and find Jon, and Zach. 

“Oh my god where the fuck have you been.” Jon yells. 

I stand there as he looks at me waiting for an answer.

“Ryan where the fuck have you been?”

“I just went out for a walk.” 

“Why didn’t you tell us that.” 

Zach smells my jacket. 

“Oh my god did you go to a bar?” He says disgusted. 

Jon shakes his head at me. 

“God Ryan you were making progress and you just threw it all away.” 

“You know what Jon fuck you.” I yell.

I’m losing it. I can’t take it anymore. They want so much from me, they expect so much from me and I can’t give it to them. I was never a good son, and now I’m not a good friend, I’m not a good boyfriend. 

“Fuck you and Spencer, and Brendon and Zach and your fucking perfect lives, and your perfect childhoods and your perfect parents and god you know what just fuck you.” 

It always goes back to my father. 

Jon is quiet and he looks down at the floor and then looks at me.

“Ryan this isn’t your fault-“ 

“No Jon it is, it’s always my fault.” 

“Ryan you can’t control Gabe you didn’t know what he was gonna do.” 

Zach scoffs.

“Enough.” 

He picks me up and slings me over his shoulder. 

“Zach what the fuck let me go.” I scream. 

He carries me down the hall and into Brendon’s room. He puts me down and stands in front of the door. 

“None of you are leaving until you figure your shit out.”

I look at Zach and my stomach drops and my head hurts. My hands shaking. I sit down and put my hand on my head. A migraine is coming. 

“Ryan you need to-“ 

“Please god just stop talking.” I say 

My body is aching. My head feels like someone is slowly decapitating me. 

“Fuck you.” Jon yells

I groan in pain shut my eyes and cradle my head in my hands. 

“Jon shush.” Spencer says 

“Ryan man you ok.” He says softly. He puts his hand on my shoulder. 

I nod but it hurts. I groan again and shut my eyes tighter. Brendon sits down next to me. 

“Ryan-“ 

“I’m fine.” I say. It hurts everywhere. My body aches. 

“No your not.” He says

It’s true I’m not. This is the worst it’s been since I was nineteen. I feel like I’m going to throw up. 

“Guys can you give us a minute.” Brendon says 

They all leave the room. 

Tears fall down my cheeks. 

Brendon reaches over to the light switch on the wall and turns it off. 

“Lie down.” He says 

I obey and lie down. My head rests in his lap. He brushes hair out of my face and combs his fingers through my hair. My head starts to feel a little bit better. He’s quiet and he lets me lie there as my body slowly stops aching. 

“I love you.” Brendon says 

“I love you too.” 

“I don’t want you to leave me.” He says

“I don’t want to be your baggage.” I say 

His hand stops. 

“What.” 

“I’m fucking messed up Brendon, I want you to be able to live your life without me dragging you down.” I say 

“You could never-“ 

“I don’t care how messed up you are.” He says 

“Your sure.” I ask

“I’m so sure.”

“I’m sorry.” I say 

“It’s ok.” 

I really don't feel like it's ok though.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I feel like it's been a while since I posted but heres the next chapter. Read away.....

I cant sleep much at night anymore so I stay awake in the lounge and put my head against the window and listen to the wind. I can’t describe what I feel other then heavy. My entire body is heavy, every thought that passes through my brain weighs millions of pounds. Every breath is just. 

Heavy. 

When I was little and my parents were fighting I would press my ear against the window and listen. 

Once it was freezing out and my parents were screaming, so I pressed my ear against the window for so long I got really bad frost bite and my parents had to soak my ear in warm water for hours. 

My father had sat there next to me holding part of my head in the water he smiled at me telling me that everything was going to be alright. He had never been so wrong. I was 5. 

Brendon walks out of his bunk to find me staring out the window tears running down my cheeks. 

“You ok.” 

I drag my eyes from the zooming road and place my gaze on him. He’s leaning against a wall gazing at me. He’s taking me in trying to read me. I don’t know if I want him to or not.

“Yeah babe I’m ok.” 

He walks over to me and sits down next to me. He presses his lips against my temple.   
Brendon grabs a piece of paper and a pen that’s on the table and makes a tic-tac-toe board. He draws an X in the middle.

“You’re turn.” 

I smile and draw an O.

“What’re you doing awake.” He asks 

X

“I couldn’t sleep.” I answer

O

“You should’ve gotten me we could’ve-“

X

“Just because I don’t sleep doesn’t mean you shouldn’t sleep.” I say

O

Brendon smiles.

“I win.” He says 

He puts down the pen and smiles at me. 

But I’m looking back out the window. 

He takes my hand and we walk over to a couch. We sit down and he kisses my temple. I put my head on his shoulder, and close my eyes. He runs his fingers through my hair and up my arm. 

“I love you.” He says 

I try to open my mouth to get words to come out but they don’t fall out easily. They’re so hard to let out. My brain is working at a ridiculously slow pace. 

“You ok.” 

I’m not. I feel like I’m running on empty. Just driving until I break down. Brendon runs his fingers through my hair and I put my head back on his shoulder. 

I sigh. 

“Yeah i’m alright.” 

Brendon grabs the tv remote and turns it on, a movie we were watching earlier comes on. I smile.

 

“I love this movie.” 

Brendon smiles. 

I reach forward and grab a blanket and cover us up. He runs his fingers through my hair and down my neck and arm. He makes me feel better in ways I can’t even explain. It’s just like he’s there and everything gets better. Brendon’s lips press against my head and he kisses me. 

“I love you.” I say 

“I love you too.” Brendon says. He smiles and kisses me again. 

I lean my head against his shoulder and close my eyes. I’m getting sleepier as his hands run over me. 

“Go to sleep baby.” Brendon says 

I hum and pretty soon sleep takes over for me, and I am asleep


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! sorry it's been so long since I posted. I've been wicked busy with school and I just started play practice. Anyway heres a new chapter. 
> 
> Read away......

I never thought that the word whore could sound so pretty. It’s not an attractive word, it’s a gross sounding word it’s muddled and cruel. But when Brendon says it. It just sounds better. I think he just makes everything better then it actually is. 

We’re on stage and he’s facing the crowd singing the words to I write sins not tragedies. I walk over to him as the ending of the song approaches and he turns to me and presses our foreheads together to sing the last long note of the song. The song ends and I walk back to my side of the stage. There’s a microphone in front of me that I don’t plan on talking into. Brendon thanks the crowd and proceeds to tell them that this would be the last song. We play Camisado and get off stage. 

I walk up next to him as we head back to the bus. 

“Hey.” I say 

Brendon turns to me and smiles. 

“Hey.” He says 

“You did good.” I say 

He takes my hand, he’s looking at me lovingly. I don’t fully understand how he can love me as much as he does, I’m a very flawed person. And he doesn’t even care. We walk onto the bus and we all sit down in the lounge area and talk. We have a few minutes before we get to our hotel. We haven’t showered in days. It’s gross. The bus soon arrives to the hotel and we getup to our rooms as soon as possible. 

Brendon and I walk into our room. I drop my bag on the floor. Brendon kisses me.

“Hey.” He says

“Hey.” 

He presses his lips against mine quickly. It’s casual, and it’s instinct. I love it. 

“I think I’m gonna take a shower.” I say 

He smiles and kisses me again. 

“Let me take one with you.” He says 

I smile and once again our lips meet

He tangles his fingers in my longish hair and we start making out. My heart starts to race. 

My body wants him. Part of me wants him to touch me and kiss me. But all I can think about is Gabe. 

My brain flashes back to him against me not letting me go keeping me there pressed against me his lips on mine. His hands on me. I try to tell myself it’s not Gabe it’s Brendon but my head isn’t listening. Brendon pulls away and takes my hands. They’re shaking. 

“Hey whats wrong.” He says gently. 

“It’s nothing it’s fine i-i’m fine.” 

“Ryan it’s ok you can tell me.” 

“I just I can’t just-” 

“Take a deep breath.” Brendon says 

“I’m not ready yet for this.” 

Its pathetic. I’m an adult who’s afraid to have sex It’s dumb. 

“Thats ok baby thats completely normal.” He says 

“Its fucking pathetic.” 

I lie down on the bed and throw my arm over my eyes. 

He takes a seat by my feet and rubs them through the socks that I’m wearing. I sigh and relax. 

“Ryan something bad happened to you it’s ok that your not ready.” 

“A lot of bad things have happened to me, I should be used to it by now.” 

Brendon smiles and keeps rubbing my feet. 

“Babe I haven’t showered in literally a week I would stop touching my feet.” 

Brendon laughs and crawls on to the bed and next to me. I look over at him and he’s smiling his perfect smile and his eyes are soft. He’s perfect. 

“I love you Ryan Ross.” He’s staring at me lovingly and he looks so happy. I don’t get how he can always be so happy. 

“I love you too.” 

I lean towards him and our lips press together. 

He smiles against my lips. 

“Go take a shower.” 

I get off the bed and go towards the bathroom. I take off my clothes and step into the stream of warm water thats leaking from the shower head. It feels so good to finally get all the sweat and dirt off of me. My hands run down my torso until my fingers hit my scar on my ribs. The skin is tough and raised. They run down to the next scar on my stomach. I️ try to shake the nervous feeling that creeps down my neck as I️ continue to pay attention to my scars. 

I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my waist. Brendon’s waiting out there flipping through tv channels trying to find something that he finds suitable.

“How was it.” 

he smiles as I pull sweat pants on.

I rub the towel against my hair and throw it aside. Brendon pulls me down onto the bed and kisses me. 

I get under he covers of the bed and go to sleep.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THIS BEFORE READING CHAPTER!!!!!!!
> 
> So this chapter is a dream that Ryan has and its like a flashback to when Ryan is 19 and he's in the hospital after his ribs break.

I’m lying in a hospital bed barely able to move or breathe. The doors closed and the shades on the windows are closed, It’s dark in my room and I can’t turn any of the lights on. I can’t get up. I roll my head to the side and I look at the wall. 

I lie there for a few minutes doing nothing but thinking. I’m trapped in my own mind. 

The door opens and a nurse comes in. 

“Ryan you’re dads here.” She says. 

I look up at her and nod, I’m trying to hide the disappointment. 

Last time my father came he was drunk and he had nothing nice to say. 

My father walks in and he’s been crying. He’s wearing clean clothes and he’s shaved. He looks like my father again. 

“Dad.” I say confused. 

He walks over and sits by my bed. He sits there staring at me and then he places his hand on my head lovingly. 

“I love you Ryan.” 

He hugs me and I wince. 

He backs up and wipes his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry Ryan I- I just I know I haven’t been myself I promise I’m going to do better.” 

I believe him. My walls go down and I lean forward and hug him as tight as I can. 

“I love you dad.” 

I was so glad I finally had my dad back. 

“I love you too son.” 

We break the hug and he wipes his eyes again. 

“I promise Ryan I’m going to do better.” 

I nod. 

“I know dad.” 

The door opens and Brendon, Spencer, and Jon walk in with coffee. 

“He-oh.” Jon says 

Brendon puts his cup down and opens his mouth to say something and then he doesn’t. 

He’s just a kid, he’s only eighteen he knows he shouldn’t pick a fight with my father.

“It’s ok.” I say 

Brendon shakes his head. 

My father stands up. 

“I don’t think we’ve ever really been properly introduced.” 

“I’m Ryan’s father.” He reaches his hand out and Brendon shakes it. He doesn’t look happy. 

He soon realizes that he’s sober. My father is sober. He’s going to stay sober. He promised. 

Brendon hands me a coffee and sits down next to me. 

“I’ll come back later bud.” My father says. 

I nod. 

“Ok.” 

He leaves. 

Jon sits by my feet. 

“So whats going on at school.” I say I take a sip of coffee. 

“Well Jennifer is pregnant.” Spencer says. 

“What!” I almost choke on my coffee. 

“Are you seriously surprised the girls a totally slut.” 

I laugh. 

“You’re talking.” 

“Shut up.” Brendon says. He’s blushing. 

Eventually Jon and Spencer have to go and It’s just Brendon and I. 

He sighs as we finish talking about a movie that he just saw. 

He smiles at me and brushes a piece of hair out of my face. His phone rings. 

My smile goes away. 

“Its my dad I’m sorry I have to take this.” 

I nod. 

“It’s ok babe.” 

He answers it and when he hangs up he’s got a sour looks on his face. 

“I’m sorry love I have to go.” 

Brendon sighs. 

“It’s ok I’ll see you later.” 

He kisses me goodbye. 

I turn on the tv and watch some old movie from the 80’s and eventually fall asleep. 

\--------

The next day I wake up to aching pain. It’s around 10:00 in the morning. My pain meds have worn off and all I feel is sharp pain.   
I groan as I reach for the nurse call button. It’s to far away. I get it and press the button. Pretty soon someone comes in and boosts the meds. 

“Sorry about that Ry.” 

“Its fine.” 

I sit up and grab a book from my bed side table and start reading. About an hour later my hospital door opens and my dad walks in.

I look up and smile.

“Hey dad.” 

He laughs and closes the door. 

“Wow it’s been awhile since I’ve heard you happy to see me.” 

I look at him. 

He’s wearing the same clothes and his hair is disheveled he smells of whiskey. 

“Are you drunk?” I ask

“Of course I’m fucking drunk Ryan.” He yells. 

I shake my head. 

“No you promised.”

“Please you know me I can’t believe you actually believed that.” 

“No.” I sob. 

“No you swore you would try harder.” I yell. 

“Don’t yell at me boy.” He screams. 

“I hate you.” I yell. 

“I hate you so much.” 

A nurse runs in. 

“Ryan please relax it’s ok it’s your dad.” 

“No get him out.” I scream. 

“Ryan_”

“Get him out.” I scream

She leads him out and I put my hands over my head and sob. 

He promised. He promised me. 

I don’t know why I believed him. Brendon runs into the room. 

“Ryan.” He sounds panicked. 

“Ryan oh my god are you ok.” 

He puts his hands on my shoulders. 

I grab onto his shirt and cry. 

“He promised me.” I cry 

“Ryan tell me whats wrong please your scaring me.” 

“He promised me he wouldn’t drink again, he said he loved me.” 

My ribs ache and my stitches are burning as they slowly rip. I don’t realize that they’re ripping until Brendon puts his hands against my ribs and applies pressure trying to stop the bleeding. I scream out in pain. Doctors and nurses rush in and Brendon gets pushed out. They push me down against the bed and I cry looking over at the wall as they press down on my ribs and try to stop the bleeding. 

“Sedate him.” A doctor says 

I feel a pinch on my arm and then my eyelids get heavier and then I wake up. 

My hand goes to my ribs and I stare ahead of me I’m breathing heavy and my heart is racing. My cheeks are wet from crying. 

“Brendon.” I say 

I reach over and shake him. 

“Brendon.” I say more frantically. 

He groans and rubs his eyes. 

“Brendon.” I yell nervously. 

“Sh shh baby it’s ok I’m right here whats wrong.” He says 

He sits up and turns the light on. 

He sits in front of me and puts his hand on my cheek.

“Ryan what’s wrong.” 

My father had promised me a second chance at childhood and then he ripped it all away. That’s the worst thing he had ever done. Not the ribs, not the drinking, promising me happiness and then taking it away. He never called me son again he never told me he loved me again he never called me bud again. I never got my father back. 

I can feel that feeling of anger and disappointment again, my eyes flood with tears and I️ close my eyes and my shoulders start to shake and I’m crying. 

Brendon hugs me and I cry into his shoulder.

“Ryan Shh it’s ok what’s wrong.” 

“I miss my dad.” 

But I don’t miss the man who died drunk in a hospital bed, I️ don’t miss the stranger who broke me apart. I️ miss my father. I️ miss the man who put bandaids on all my cuts and the man who played ball with me. 

I miss my dad. And I’ve been missing him since I was 12 years old.

Brendon rubs his hand over my back gently and the other hand cradles my neck. I keep crying into his shoulder.

“I know baby it’s ok.” 

I want to go back. I want to be six again and watching movies with my parents. I want to sit in my dads lap while he reads me stories. I want him to love me. I would do anything for him to love me. 

I’ve been holding all of this in and now I’m breaking down again. My foundation has cracked and the whole building is falling down. 

Brendon pulls away from me and kisses my forehead. 

He reaches over on to our bedside table and grabs tissues. He wipes the tears off my cheeks. Our foreheads press together and he rests his hand on the side of my face. 

“I love you.” He says 

I hug him again and keep quiet. I’m to tired to talk. 

He holds me there for as long as I need him to he doesn’t pull away he just stays there and loves me. 

He loves me almost enough to make up for the fact that my father didn't.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! It's been. really long time since I posted so sorry for that!! here's a new chapter though!

Brendon's sitting in a chair in the studio a guitar in his hands. He's looking up at our producer nodding. We're trying to work on the new album. It's been an interesting experience so far. 

Jon got his amp turned down and he's playing something to himself. 

"What is that?" I ask 

he looks up and shrugs. 

"Its nothing just messing around." 

"Play it again." 

he plays the chord progression and I stand up and walk over to my notepad and flip through a few pages. 

"Ryan it's really nothing it's just a dumb chord progression." 

I find the page. 

Northern Downpour. 

My baby the best thing I have ever written. The song about love. The song about everything. About the drugs, the pain, love, loss. Everything.

"Play it again." 

Brendon and Spencer walk over, I hand the lyrics to Brendon and Jon sighs and plays the chord progression. Brendon glances up at me unsure then back down at the lyrics. I sing a long with him guiding him along to the unfamiliar melody. Spencer walks up to his drums and I grab my guitar and it starts. We sing and play and the beginning of the making of the song begins. 

We finish playing the verse. Brendon laughs and stands up. 

"Ryan these lyrics are amazing." 

"Thanks." 

Our producer comes out. 

"Alright boys I'm sorry to say that your studio times up." 

We pack up and walk out. It's warm inLA, and the warm air wraps around us and embraces us. Brendon takes my hand and I lean close to him. 

I've got a guitar case in one hand and him in the other, and it makes so much sense. And this is what I want for my future, him and a guitar. Thats all I need. 

We all find our cars and say goodbye, we'll see each other tomorrow, same place same time. The sun is going down, the entire sky is orange. It looks like someone cut open the sun and left it to bleed out on the sky. 

Brendon opens the car door for me and I roll my eyes. He's such a hopeless romantic. 

He gets into the drivers seat and turns on my the car, my fingers immediately go to the radio and I flick over stations before I stop. It's us. 

He grins as he pulls out of the parking lot, he beeps at Spencer and drives off towards somewhere. We've been recording a lot in LA so Brendon and I rented a house so we didn't have to keep flying out. He drums his fingers against the steering wheel as we sit in the LA traffic. 

"So I like the new song." Brendon says 

I look over at him and smile. 

"Good I'm glad you like it." 

Brendon turns and we pull into our driveway. 

We lug all our gear inside and put it down, Hobo runs up to us and jumps up on Brendon. 

“Hey girl.” He kneels down and she falls on her back and he rubs her stomach. 

I smile and kneel next to him.

He looks over at me and kisses my cheek. I turn and kiss him. Our lips connect together softly. It’s smooth but there’s so much love behind it. 

Hobo crawls into my lap and licks my face.

I smile and pull away from Brendon. I rub behind her ears. 

“Why do you always have to pick her over me.” He says sarcastically 

I smile.

“Love you.” 

He takes our guitars and walks over to our bedroom. The house is gorgeous. You walk into the kitchen then to the left is a dining room and straight from the kitchen is a living room. Then to the left of the living room is a hall which has a bathroom and at the end is a bedroom. It’s big. 

I gently push Hobo off my lap and follow Brendon to the bedroom. 

He’s hanging my guitar up on its stand. 

Brendon turns around towards me. His hand touches the side of my cheek and he leans forward to kiss me. 

I lean close to him and our lips connect. Brendons phone rings and I sigh as he pulls away. 

“Hey don’t worry I’ll be right back.” 

He winks at me and I smile and sit down on the bed. Brendon picks up his phone and the smile slowly wipes off his face. 

“Bren babe you ok.” I say

He puts his hand over his mouth and turns away from me. 

I can’t see him what he’s doing, if he’s ok. 

He put his phone down and his hands shaking. I stand up and walk towards him slowly. I take his hand. 

“Brendon baby whats wrong?” I ask. 

“My mom she’s in the hospital she got-got into a-a accident and-“ his voice hitches and a tear falls down his cheek. 

“Hey hey it’s ok come here.” 

He hugs me and I wrap my arms around him as his tears fall onto my shirt. 

“It’s ok baby we’ll get you to Las Vegas and you can see her and it’ll be ok.” 

He grips the back of my shirt, he loves his mom more then anything in the entire world. 

“Brendon it’s gonna be ok.” 

I back away and cup his face, he’s got tears on his cheeks, I wipe them away from his face with my thumb. 

“Hey we can look for plane tickets right now if you want.” 

He nods, and we find my computer and look for plane tickets. 

“Will you come with me.” 

I look up at him.

“Brendon your parents they don’t know about us yet now isn’t-“ 

“So we don’t tell them, you just come for support and to see your mom.” 

I brush a piece of hair away from his face. 

“You sure you want me there.” 

He nods. 

“Ok.”


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! new chapter. talks about abuse and blood so pls be careful if that triggers u.
> 
> read away.....

Brendon and I are in the airport about a day later waiting for them to call our plane, Brendon’s anxiety is already starting to act up he’s staring at his shaking hands. 

Our plane gets called and we get up, he looks like his legs are going to give out, but we eventually make it on the plane and he put sin headphones and closes his eyes. Theres nothing I can do but watch and hope he gets better soon. He takes my hand as the plane starts to take off. 

When we land in Las Vegas he’s tired and all he wants is to go to sleep, but we drive to a hospital. I walk in and I immediately start to feel sick. It’s the same hospital. The same hospital my father was in. We walk past the ICU and I can picture it. Him there half dead waiting for me to show up, floating in and out of consciousness and sobriety. Wondering where his only son is. 

Guilt bites at me. 

Brendon finds the room and takes a deep breath. Every instinct in my body says to run, that I don’t belong here that I’m intruding. But he asked for me to be here. 

“Brendon, it’s ok.” 

He looks over at me, and nods. He opens the door and walks in to find his father his sisters and his brother. 

“Brendon.” His eldest sister walks over and hugs him. I stand behind him I don’t want to be noticed I want to hide

“Ryan oh my god it’s so nice of you to be here.” She says 

I shrug. 

“It’s no problem.” 

Brendon glances back at me. We walk into the room more and he leans back against the wall and looks at his mom. She’s got a tube in her mouth going down her throat and she’s cut up pretty bad. 

We stay there in silence for a very long time. 

Brendon’s father is sitting by her bedside holding her hand. They’re so in love. I wish my parents had that. I want that. I want to have that kind of love. 

They all start talking and he seems ok. 

“Brendon.” 

He looks back at me. 

“I’m gonna go out for a bit.” 

“He nods.” 

I excuse myself from the room and leave the hospital as quick as I can. I get a cab and tell them to go to another side of town. The place I really didn’t want to go. I get out of the car and my she steps down on wet grass, I talk through a park and into a cemetery. I find him. 

George Ryan Ross II. 

I bite my tongue and I look down at the headstone. Down at him. My father. 

I fall down onto the wet grass and cover my mouth with my hand, tears fall down my cheeks and fall onto the grass that grows over his grave. 

“I’m sorry.” I choke. 

“I wasn’t there when you-“ 

“I’m sorry dad.” 

The words ring through my chest and land on my heart, it burns. 

I want him to come up to me and do something whether it be hit me or tell me he loves me, at least he’d still be here. 

I get up and walk on the sidewalk until I reach a small red house. There’s an old car in front of it that looks like it hasn’t been touched in years. I walk to the front door. It’s unlocked. 

I crack it open and walk into my childhood home. The floors are rough and theres still a bloodstain in front of the door from when my ribs broke. There’s beer bottles on the counters. I walk straight into the living room, it’s the same. I sit down on the couch and stare ahead at the wall, my eyes shut as I take in all the memories, nights watching movies with him and my mom

I was so young. 

I get up and move upstairs I open his bedroom door, it’s untouched he never used it unless he was sleeping with hookers, he mostly just crashed on the couch. I walk in and run my fingers over the old wooden wardrobe that he had. I open it up and find a old jacket.

When was five and he took me to the park and I fell in a puddle and it was freezing, I had cut my knee pretty bad. He had picked me up and wrapped me in that jacket and kissed me on the cheek, he told me it was ok and that I could have hot chocolate when I got home. 

I pick the jacket out of the drawer and hold it against me. The I tread out of his room and into mine. My room. It has been touched. The mirrors broken and there are pictures on the floor, theres a bloodstain on the carpet near the mirror. I stare at my bedroom horror ringing through me. 

He had come into my room and broken everything, all of my childhood memories in shambles. I can’t live in a dream that my childhood wasn’t a mess anymore. The jacket and the memories of movies on the couch. That was nothing but a distant memory of something that barely lasted. 

My father never loved me. And my childhood would never be a good one. 

Anger floods through me, why did this have to happen to me, why did he have to be a drunk deadbeat dad. I run back Into his room. I pull everything out of his drawers and pull the curtains down, the mirror that hangs on his wall I pull down and it shatters. 

I run downstairs and throw the beer bottles on the floor and I flip the tables over, until everything in the house is broken. Finally the house matches what went on in it.

I’m down pretending that everything is fine. This is what my childhood was, broken and messy, trying not to step on broken glass. I walk out of the house and slam the door behind me and I run. I don’t know where I am or where I’m going but I run, I never want to go back there, back to that place. 

I want to go back to LA. Never see Las Vegas ever again. I want to move with Brendon and never look back. Forget this shit life ever happened and start a new one. Then I see I still have the jacket. I sigh and walk back into the cemetery and drop it on his grave. I’m officially done with him.


	33. Chapter 33

Brendon and I stay at a hotel near the hospital. I’m sitting on the bed writing when he walks in. 

“Hey.” I say 

“Hey.” He says 

He looks tired and worn down and I know I look the exact same way. The fit I threw at my fathers had really drained me.

Brendon sits on the bed In front of me and he leans forward and kisses me.

I put my paper and pencil down and I kiss him deeper. My tongue pushes into his mouth and his hands tangle in my hair. 

I lean against the headboard of the bed and he straddles me, and we kiss. All we do is kiss. 

His hands roam over me exploring my chest and back. His mouth moves from my lips to my neck and he’s kissing me there his tongue swiping out to lick over the skin he’s just attacked.

A groan slips out of my mouth as he bites down at the skin near my collarbone. Then there’s a knock at our door. 

Brendon groans and rolls his eyes.

“I’ll be right back.” 

Brendon walks over to the door and he looks through the peephole thing and his face goes white.

“Brendon what’s-“ 

“It’s my dad.” 

I get off the bed.

“What do we do.” I say

I don’t know go hide in the bathroom or something.” 

I grab my stuff and run into the bathroom. 

I grab my book and hide in the bathtub, and read. I can hear Brendon welcoming his dad in and then his dad and him talking.

I put my book over my hard cock and read. After probably an hour Brendon’s dad finally leaves. He walks into the bathroom and breaks out into a grin as soon as he looks at me.

“Oh my god.” 

“Don’t make fun of me I’m doing this for you!” I scold 

He sits down next to me in the tub. Our legs are hanging out of it and our backs are against the tile.

I put my book down outside of it and lean over to kiss him.

I tangle my fingers in his hair and push him down to lie down.

He starts laughing.

“Are you gonna do me in a empty tub Ryan Ross.” 

“God knows all of the crazy places we’ve done it, it’s just time to add another to our list.” 

He laughs and we kiss again.

"I love you.” He says 

“I love you too.”


	34. Chapter 34

Contrary to my brilliant idea we didn’t have sex in the tub, we moved to the bed and had sex there instead. I wake up next to him the next day. 

He’s got bruises from my mouth all over his collarbone. He told me that I could do whatever I wanted as long as no one would see it tomorrow. 

I roll onto my side and look at him, my hand rests on his chest and draw circles on him.

He groans and his eyes open.

“Hey beautiful.” I say

He looks over at me, his eyes are squinted and he looks well rested for once.

“Hi.” He says 

I lean over and kiss him.

His lips are smooth and warm.

“How’d you sleep.” He asks

“Good what about you.” 

“Good.”

“What time is it.” He asks sleepily.

“9:00.” 

He groans.

“I should get up and go to the hospital.” 

He pushes me to lie on my back and he wraps his arms around my and puts his head on my chest.

“But I’d rather stay here with you instead.” He says 

I kiss his forehead and hug him tight.

“I love you so much.” I say 

“I love you too.” He hums.

Brendon looks up at me and pushes his head forward and kisses me.

I smile as my lips press again his.

“I don’t wanna go to the hospital.” He groans.

“I know baby but it’s ok lover.” 

He smiles.

“Did you just call me lover.” 

“Yeah I did.” 

I lean over and kiss him and we laugh. 

We smile and kiss for a while before Brendon puts his hand on my chest.

“Ok I’m gonna take a shower.” 

I nod and he grabs a blanket from the bed and raps it around his waist.

I watch him as he walks towards the bathroom, the blanket rests low on his hips and he moves his hips on purpose trying to tease me.

I sigh and roll over and close my eyes. I grab Brendon’s pillow and pull it towards me. The sheets are messy and I know I’m probably a mess, with all the sweat and sex that lies on my skin.

I close my eyes and listen to the sound of the water running through the pipes of the hotel.

I get out of bed and put on a pair of Brendon’s sweatpants. I walk into the bathroom and his outline is blurry through the glass on the shower.

“What’re you doing there.” 

“I have to pee.” 

He laughs. 

He gets out of the shower soon after I’m done peeing and he wraps a towel around his waist.

“Are you wearing my sweatpants?” He asks.

“Yup.”

He hums “they look good on you.” 

He grabs my ass and pulls me close to him.

I smile against his lips and he sighs against me. His hands go to the back of my neck and we kiss.

“Ok I should really go to see my mom.” Brendon says.

“Ok baby I think I’m gonna go see mine.” 

He nods.

“That’s a good idea.”


	35. Chapter 35

I leave the hotel about an hour after he does and I take a cab to an address.

I walk up to a house. It’s big and white with black shutters and the door has a sign on it that says 

“Home” there’s a welcome mat and everything. 

I ring the doorbell and a man opens it. He’s tall and he’s got short black hair and blue eyes.

“Hi can I help you.”

“Umm yeah I-I’m looking for Denise I-I’m Ryan.”

“Oh!” He exclaims “you’re Ryan!” 

“Come in please.” 

I walk in and there’s yelling, a girl and a boy run down.

“Dad Alex is pulling my hair.” 

“No I’m not!” They’re twins they look about 5 or 6. 

“Who’s this.” The girl says.

Then my mom walks downstairs holding a baby walking next to a teenage girl. 

“Ryan sweetie hi.” 

She hands the baby to the man and hugs me.

“Ryan this is my husband, Andy, this is my son Alex, and his twin Eliza, and our eldest Thalia, and my youngest Jacob.” 

I smile and wave.

Eliza walks forward and hugs me.

“Are you gonna be my big brother now.” She asks.

I laugh awkwardly.

“Eliza Jesus don’t be so weird.” Thalia says.

My mother looks at her disapprovingly.

“Ryan why don’t we catch up in the other room while the kids play.” 

I nod.

Eliza let’s go of my waist and they run off to go outside. Thalia walks upstairs and Andy walks away. We walk into the living room.

“So what brings you to Las Vegas.” She asks.

“Brendon’s mom got in a accident she’s been in the hospital and he wanted me to come here with him.” 

“Oh my goodness I had no idea about his mom is she ok.” 

“Yeah she’s alright she woke up last night and they just wanted to keep her over night for observation.” 

“Oh good I’m glad she’s alright.” 

We sit in silence for a few minutes.

“You’ve got quite the family here.” I say 

She smiles.

“Yes I do, I have to say when I told the kids that we had reconnected they were so happy, I know they come on a bit strong but I mean we’d love to have you in the family as long as you want to be in it,” “Ithink Alex would love to have a big brother.” 

A family. That’d be nice. To have someone who loved me. Instead of a father who didn’t.

“I want to, I really do mom but my job kinda requires me to be absent and I don’t want to get anyone attached to be me and then have me leave.” 

She smiles.

“Oh my goodness i'm sorry.” She wipes a tear away from her eye.

“When you were little you were just the sweetest boy and god now you’re just the sweetest man I’m so proud of you.” 

“But my love it doesn’t matter the job or the life you lead i love you and musician or not your my son.”

“i love you mom.” i say 

“i love you too my boy.” 

We stand up and she hugs me.

Then Eliza runs in holding a book.

“Ryan will you read me a story.” 

“Eliza baby Ryan probably has to go.”

“No it’s ok i have time.” 

She smiles.

“Ok.” 

I sit down on a couch and she sits on my lap and I read. 

My mother sits in a chair across the room with her husband. They’re smiling at us.

We finish the story and she looks at me.

“Do you have a drivers license.”

I smile.

“Yes I do.” 

“Can I see it.” 

I take my wallet out of my pocket and I open it and see a picture tucked into a part of it. It’s me and Brendon he’s kissing my cheek. 

“Who’s that and why is he kissing you.” 

I look up at my mom and she’s still smiling, her husband is too. I expected her to say that we were just friends or that we were brothers or something.

She nods and smiles encouragingly.

“That’s my boyfriend.” 

She looks at me confused.

“I thought boys were suppose to have girlfriends.” She says.

“Well everyone’s different right so there are some boys who like girls and some who like other boys and there are some who like both, and then there’s girls who like boys and girls who like girls and girls who like both too.” 

“Oh.” 

“So what’s his name.” She asks 

“Brendon.” 

“Tell me about him.” She says

“Well he’s nice, funny, talented, and I love him very much.” 

“Who.” Thalia says 

She walks in and sits next to me.

“Oh my god is that who you’re dating.” 

“Yeah.” I say nervous.

“Lucky he’s freaking gorgeous.” 

I laugh.

“Thalia.” My mother scolds.

“Hey you know Pete Wentz right.” 

“Yeah.”

“You think you could hook me up with him and I can meet him or something.” 

I smile.

“Maybe I mean he’s pretty busy but maybe.” 

“Oh my god dude I’d actually die.” 

Alex walks in.

“Daddy can we go play ball.” 

“Yeah sure bud, Ryan you wanna play.” 

“No he can’t right now he’s talking with me.” Thalia said 

“Thalia enough.” My mother says smiling.

“It’s ok I think I’m needed here, besides I’m not very good at ball.”

They go outside.

“So have you written a song for him.” 

“Well not yet I have a song called northern downpour and there’s a line for him in the song.” 

“And then I have lyrics for another song but it’s not done yet.” 

“What’s the line in the song?” She asks.

“I know the worlds a broken bone but belt your headaches call it home.” 

She groans.

“Uggg I want someone who’ll write lyrics for me.” 

My phone buzzed and it’s him calling me.

“Speak of the devil.” 

“Hello.” I say 

“Hey baby.” He sounds like he’s been crying.

“You ok.” I ask

“Yeah I just it’s been a long day and I honestly just need a hug.” 

“I can supply that.” I say 

“Good, where are you.”

“I’m at my moms hanging out with her kids.” 

“That’s good.” 

“Yeah it’s fun.”

“Where are you.” 

“I’m outside the hospital.” 

“Hey why don’t I meet you at the hotel in like an hour.” 

“Yeah that’s good.”

“Ok I’ll see you then.” 

“Alright love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

I hang up the phone.

“I gotta run.” 

My mom nods.

“No don’t go.” Eliza says 

My mom picks her up off my lap and hugs me.

“Call me.”

“I will.”

“Ok I love you Ryan.” 

“I love you too.” 

“Bye mom.” 

“Tell me when that love song is finished I want to be the first to hear it.” Thalia says.

“Ok I promise I’ll call you.” 

I walk out and call a cab and drive to the hotel. When I get up to the room Brendon’s lying on the bed watching tv. 

He looks at me and stands up. I walk straight into his arms and hug him, I hug him in a way that should hurt but it doesn’t bc it’s us. 

“I love you so much.” I say 

“I love you more.”


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter

I’m at the hotel writing, I’ve got my guitar on my lap and I’m scribbling down lyrics. My phone rings and it’s Brendon.

“Hey.” 

“Hey listen my moms been awake for a few days now and everything’s ok and she’s gonna get discharged soon so I was thinking that now is a good time to tell them about us.” 

I put my pencil down.

“I- I don’t know if it’s ok with you then y-yeah.” 

“Ok I’ll talk to you afterwards ok.”

“Ok.”


End file.
